Our Wonderful Trip to Disney in honor of Mom

Well, our week in Disney World could not have gone better.  The 11 of us went from sun up to sun down for 7 days and took it all in.  It was magical and wonderful!  We all had a different favorite moment at the end of the week, which is a testament to all the fun we had.

As I have written about previously, my happy memory from 20 years ago was turning around on Big Thunder Mountain and seeing a huge smile on my mom's face.  So when we rode Big Thunder Mountain as a family this time, I knew I had to turn around and this is what I saw.  Pure Joy!

This is exactly what I had wished for this trip.  A trip filled with joy and happiness to put closure on the memories from before.  During the fireworks show as I sat next to Adam, I just let it all sink in.  I was in awe that all of 11 of us were here after 14 months of planning and 20 years of waiting.  I was overcome with emotions of how Mom must be smiling down from heaven and I could feel her love and presence in that moment.  I was filled with happiness at the thought of being here with my whole family.  As tears streamed down my face, I just thank God for my family, for this trip, and for his blessings upon all of us!  I also prayed that he bless my Mom and let her know how much she is loved and missed and that she would be able to bask in the joy experienced on this trip in her memory.

My dad shared our family's story with a cashier at the Ye Ol Merry Christmas Shoppe and when he picked up his package the next day he found a hand written note.  It thanked him for sharing his story and said that Mickey came by shortly after we left and wanted us to have this angel ornament in memory of my Mom.  It was a very kind and a generous act that is exactly why Andy and I love Disney so much!

The pain of losing my Mom will never go away and the painful, sad memories of our Disney trip 20 years ago with not be forgotten.  However this trip was a powerful experience of healing, love, and proof that with time, love, and faith, life will go on and pure joy and happiness can prevail.

I have only shared my journey of grief with those very close to me and I was unsure about sharing it so publicly but have found this exercise to be very therapeutic for me.   I  want to thank everyone who has followed this blog over the last year and shared their words of encouragement and support.  Those kind words and gestures have meant so much to me.  I truly appreciate you and pray that you feel God's love and support on whatever journey you are on in your life.  God Bless!

Family Vacation 20 Years Later

20  years ago my mother worked so hard to plan the perfect family vacation for us.  Remember we had not been on one for 10 years and even then my siblings had no memories of the prior vacation due to being too young.  The perfect vacation to Disney World she had planned was tragically cut short by my mother's death.  As we approached the 20th anniversary of her death, we decided it was time to give my mother that vacation she had dreamed of.

My family of 4, my sister, my brother and his family of 4, as well as my dad and his wife will be spending next week in Disney World.  We will be staying at a Disney resort and enjoying everything this magical place has to offer during the holidays.  My brother went back to Disney with the marching band when he was in high school.  I have been three times in the last 4 years, but my sister and dad have not returned since our last trip with Mom.  

I'm sure there will be a few tears, but I'm even more positive that there will be lots of laughter, smiles, and wonderful memories made just like my Mom had hoped 20 years ago.  She will get to watch from heaven as her children and grandchildren have that memorable vacation that she wanted for us so long ago.  She will get to witness the look on my Dad's face as he see his granddaughters meet the Mickey and Minnie for the first time.  She will get to see the incredible excitement her grandsons will have showing their cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents their favorite snack, ride, or show.  She will get to see her children have a true family vacation together.  

My siblings and Dad have not been on a vacation together in 20 years but it's never too late.  We are all in our 30s now and I just feel like we owe it to ourselves and to our Mom to create the family vacation memories that we never had.  We are blessed that we are all in good health, were able to coordinate schedules, and pull together the resources to be able to do this together.  

I will be honest now that our departure is tomorrow and as I'm writing this blog, I'm starting to feel a little nervous.  Will this trip be a happy one or is there a chance that something horrible could happen again?  Are we crazy to try to do this again and to return to this place to do it?  In reality there is always a chance that something bad will happen, but we can't live life waiting for the other shoe to drop.  We have to take the chance because what if everything goes wonderfully. How could we deprive ourselves of the memories and experiences that could be?

So with that in mind we will travel to Disney World next week to remember and honor my Mom and to hopefully have a wonderful family vacation. I pray that we have safe travels and that our trip is one that results in many magical, happy memories.  

Back to Disney

I graduated college feeling strong and happy with where my life was headed.  I hadn't dated much in college because I needed that time to just be alone and deal with all the emotions that I suppressed.  I got a great job programming at Keller Schroeder and was able to continue teaching dance.  I had reached another milestone without my Mom here, but I knew she was smiling down from heaven on me and watching out for me as she always had.

Andy graduated from Purdue and moved out to Boston. I had stayed close with his family but had not had regular communication with him. He came back to visit for our 5 year class reunion.  We hung out and took the obligatory walk down memory lane that always happens at class reunions.  Needless to say to say a few months later, he moved home and we were dating again.  We were engaged and married within 15 months of him being back.  Throughout our lives there have been moments when my Mom's presence has been felt.

In 2011, a close friend of ours, Shawn, that had been there with us in high school during my Mom's death, called and he invited us and the boys to go to Disney World with him and his wife.  They are both Disney fanatics and some of the party travelling with them had cancelled so they had room in their villa.  I wasn't sure I ever wanted to go back to Disney, but this was a great time to go with our 2 and 3 year olds and be with a friend that totally understood what a big step this was for me.

Andy was great and patient and he gets just as excited as a little kid about Disney.  We went and I was able to just enjoy my family.  I got emotional when we started to walk up to Big Thunder Mountain.  This roller coaster was my memory of my Mom here.  I was walking up to ride with Lucas.  Adam wasn't tall enough so it was just the two of us.  I told him that Grandma Patty had brought me here once and this was her first roller coaster ride.  It was going to be his first as well.  As tears started to roll down my cheeks, he grabbed my hand and said, "Mom, I love you!"  It was a perfect moment.  I was able to take just a minute to process that great tragedy that had happened the last time I was hear, but I was able to know that my Mom would want me here making memories with her grandsons and filling their lives with happiness.  That's exactly what we did for the week we were there and it felt so good to honor her memory instead of feel that extreme sadness that I had struggled with all those years before.

The boys still don't know that Grandma Patty died while we were at Disney World, but they do know that Mom talks about her when we are there because it brings back the memories of that roller coaster ride. We visit Disney regularly now.  Not because of my Mom, but because my boys love it and our little family of four just loves to immerse ourselves in the magic and child like wonder that comes with Disney.  At this point in our lives it's our get away and I would have never guessed that I would ever heal enough to find joy in the place where that tragedy occurred, but with time and healing anything is possible.

Tragedy Strikes Again

As I started my second semester of college, tragedy happened again.  Andy grew up in a neighborhood with several close friends.  Chris Hill and Sean Fisher were two of these friends and both were close friends of mine as well.  Both were at USI and were in several classes with me. There was a terrible ice storm in January 1997 and Chris was killed in a car accident on his way to USI.  I had seen him at class a couple of days before and he had waved to me from across the room.  Little did I know, that was the last time I would see him.

Andy was at Purdue and quickly made his way home.  Andy, Sean, and I along with several other friends all gathered together to support one another and share stories of Chris.   It was all so eerily familiar, only the last time I had gathered with these friends in sadness it had been when my Mom died less than two years before. This process was different.  I didn't have anyone to be strong for or anything to really distract myself with.  I cried and cried and cried at this funeral.  I hugged my friends and told them how much I loved them.  I was able to grieve with them.  I again was saying good bye to someone I cared for with Andy and Sean by my side knowing each of them had a lifetime of memories with Chris and this was so hard for them.  My heart was breaking for them and I just couldn't understand why there was so much loss in the last few years in my life, my grandfather, my mom, and now my friend.

Chris's death affected me in a very unexpected way.  It opened my eyes to the grief that I was holding inside.  It was a turning point for me.  I started to open up very privately to feel all that I had kept bottled up inside.  I started writing in a journal again.  I started processing all the sadness.  I relied a lot on my friend Sean.  Sean listened and he was one of the only people I felt comfortable opening up to about the grief I was experiencing.  I don't know why I felt comfortable with him knowing the truth verses others.  He was an 19 year old guy who had no idea what to do with any of the things I was sharing with him, but he listened. He encouraged.  He didn't squirm and act uncomfortable with all the sadness and grief that I was expressing.  He didn't minimize my feelings or question why I was still feeling this way.  As I would start to question my faith or why good people had to die so young, he would just say I don't think you should be questioning that stuff.  He was not a religious guy, but knew that I needed to keep strong in my faith.  His listening to my struggles helped me greatly at this time.  He let me cry when I needed to cry.  He let me share memories and stories of my mom and I was able to start to remember with laughter and smiles.  He was the friend I needed and blessing to me during this time and I don't know if I would have been able to process it all without him.

It still took years, but I came to accept the loss of my mom.  I worked through the grieving process instead of ignoring it.  I spent the majority of my college years working through it, but I did come out the other side with strong faith in God and his plan for me.

One of the greatest gifts my Mom gave me is my faith in God.  She was a faithful woman who taught me by example.  I don't remember many conversations regarding faith, but I saw her pray and serve.  I believe my journey of grief is the one that God planned for me.  He put the right people in my life at the right times to be there to help me.  Andy, his family, my family, my boss Karen, Sean and all my friends, roommates, and dancers were all placed in my life for a reason and whether they knew it or not they each played a role in my healing.  I thank God for the time I had with my mom and with my dear friend Chris.  My faith grew even more during these years as I came to realize that although I felt alone, God had me surrounded with the best people to help me get through it all.

1st Semester of College

The summer after graduation was tough and exciting all at the same time.  Andy and I broke up, but I stayed close with him and his family.  I started by job on campus and I prepared to move to campus at USI.  I remained in denial of the grief I was experiencing and tried to enjoy the changes that were happening around me. As I started college and these changes were occurring the thing I noticed the most was that I missed talking to my Mom.  My mom, little did I know, was my very best friend when I was a junior in high school.  I was a daughter who came home from school everyday and talked to my Mom about everything that happened in my day.  As I was preparing for these changes and starting my new journey in college, I longed to have her to talk to.  I longed to talk to her about important things, but just as much I missed being able to tell her about the trivial and silly things that happened through my day.

I was blessed to be surrounded by many people that helped fill that void.  I talked regularly with Andy's mom, Kay.  I spoke to my Aunt Beth multiples time a week and she stayed up on everything happening with my friends.  She listened to me talk about all the drama that comes along with moving in with roommates for the first time and many of my close friends going off to college.  My new boss, Karen, quickly became a confidant that I spoke to on a daily basis as well.  I used all of these people to fill the void I felt of not having my mom here to share my days with.  I don't think I realized that these people were playing such a pivotal role at the time, but looking back I am so grateful.

The other blessing I had at this time was I started teaching dance.  My Aunt Beth and Uncle Path were gracious enough to allow me to use their house for my lessons.  I loved teaching my girls to dance.  Dance was a place that I felt like I belonged.  It was a place that I felt like I could make a difference in these young girls lives.  I could help them find the confidence and joy from dance that I did. My mom had worked very hard so that I could dance and now I could ensure that the sacrifices she had made were for more than just me.  I was able to share this passion with some amazing families that are still near and dear to my heart all these years later.  Teaching dance brought me true, real joy and I will forever be grateful to my aunt and uncle for allowing me to use their home, but also to my dance parents for trusting me to teach their daughters and allowing me to be with them each week.

My first semester of college was off to a good start.  I was still grieving, but was starting to have a little room for joy in my life as well.

Graduation

Well, graduation finally came and it was my first big milestone without my Mom there as I had always pictured.  The fact that she wouldn't be there to see me graduate, to see me get married, to see my have my children, became a true reality.  I was saying good bye to life as I knew it.  My comfort zone was leaving me whether I wanted it to or not.  I would not be in this school, with these friends, and these teachers on a day to day basis again. I was supposed to be happy about this, but in my mind just one more thing was drastically changing and it was totally out of my control.

I wrote my speech and for the first time was so nervous about whether or not I would be able to make it through it.  I had given lots of speeches over the years, but this one was different.  This one was a speech that I would give during a very emotional event.  My speech was about how our class was exceptional unique and about how proud I was that we were different. It also expressed how much it meant to me to have all of my friends with me through the ups and downs of life.

Andy and I walked together at graduation and sat in the front row.  Andy was pretty emotional, (which is one of the things I love about him), so I knew I couldn't look at him during my speech.  My friend Sean was an emotional rock that day, so he had agreed to be someone I could look at during my speech if I started to break down.  I was doing great with my speech until I came to the part about the ups and down of life and my voice cracked and my eyes started to fill with tears.  I looked up Sean was the giving me the look to pull it together.  I continued and was able to finish.  I breathed a  huge sigh of relief and returned to hugs and congratulations from Andy and those around me.  I had a lot of people tell me that day that my Mom would have been proud, and I appreciated everyone who told me that.  I was proud in that moment, proud of reaching my goals, proud of making it through my speech, and proud of the friendships that I had made.  I felt my mom with me that day and deep down I felt her pride for me as well.

Goals Achieved

I know my last post kinda skipped over my whole senior year, but I definitely wanted to touch base on a few thoughts I have on that.

I am a goal setter and planner and I always have been. My mom and I had many talks about what college I should go to and why. I was down to deciding between UE and USI. Both had a good Business School for my Accounting degree. UE had a more notable dance team, but was a private school and the tuition would be high. USI we found out offered a full ride scholarship to all Valedictorians and Salutatorians including room and board, called the Presidential Scholarship.
So I set a goal of being in the TOP 2 of my class. This goal was important to me for a couple of reasons. I really wanted to speak at my graduation ceremony and I knew being in the TOP 2 would allow me to do that. Secondly, the Presidential Scholarship was too good to pass up.

So I kept this goal in mind my entire high school career but it was even more in my mind throughout my Senior Year. I felt like if I didn't end up in the TOP 2 that I was letting my Mom down, since this was a goal we had set together. Now looking back this was a ridiculous pressure to put on myself, because as mother now, I realize that my Mom would have been proud of me regardless. At the time I would have felt like a complete failure if I wasn’t in the TOP 2. My teachers were well aware of my goal and if I got in danger of getting a B they all gave me plenty of notice in order to get my grade back up.

When it came time to apply for the scholarship I got a huge shock, they were changing the requirements. Now instead of all qualified students getting the scholarship, only 10 students would be awarded the scholarship each year. You still had to be a Valedictorian or Salutatorian to apply, but now you had to write an essay and go through an interview process. I didn't think there was anyway I would be chosen as one of the 10 and I would be letting down my Mom.

I was not someone looking for sympathy nor did I ever want to use my situation to gain favor in life. I still feel very strongly about this, but the stars aligned and I had no choice. The essay topic was, "If you could talk to someone dead or alive who would it be and why?" I struggled with whether or not I honestly answer this question or I just make something up. Did I really want to expose myself in this way on a scholarship essay? But only one thing came to mind every time I tried to write my essay. So I wrote about my mom. I really wish I still had a copy of it today, because I have no recollection of what I wrote.

I got the schedule for the interview and was hit with another blow. My interview was on the 1st anniversary of my Mom's death. The very day, really?? So here I was dealing with the emotion of it being the 1st anniversary, and I would have to face my first ever scholarship interview and in my mind, my whole scholarship was relying on this single interview. Not to mention I also scheduled my first job interview for this same day. No pressure! So again I just tried to suppress everything and not feel. Looking back, I could have used Queen Elsa's theme song at the time!

Well, since I had written about my Mom in my essay they asked about her and I had to tell them what day it was. I'm pretty sure I got teary in my interview and I'm also pretty sure the interviewers may have shed a couple of tears as well. That's all I really remember about the interview. My job interview was great and I immediately knew that I just adored my new boss, Karen. In the end I got the scholarship and I got the job, so I will always feel like my Mom was with me on that day. I feel like I was meant to get that scholarship and I was meant to open up to that Scholarship Committee because the essay topic and date of the interview were all pointing me in that direction. I also finished my high school career as Salutatorian of my class.  I felt like I had accomplished what my Mom and I had set as goals so many months before and I could know that I had made her proud although she was not here for me to celebrate with.   I still was crying on a daily basis over the sadness I still felt so strongly over my mom's death.  But even though that I still felt great pride and joy in these accomplishments.

A Relationship Strained

As Andy and I finished up our Junior year and weekend date nights changed quite a bit. We regularly went grocery shopping, took Nathan shopping for clothes, and he helped me clean the house as well. He taught me even back then some cooking tips and I started marinating chicken instead of always making it plain. Andy never complained about these activities although we both knew it wasn't normal date nights for two 17 year olds.

I started to struggle with our relationship as well. I knew that I loved Andy and I wanted to be with him, but I had a hard time determining if I was in love with him and if a relationship was what I wanted at the time. We had a two week period over the summer when we were apart because Andy had a week at ISU for Boys State and I was at ISU the following week for Girls State. My week away was extremely tough. I was with a whole bunch of girls who didn't know me and didn't know what had happened. We sat down the first day and started singing songs. We sang "You are my Sunshine" and I just broke out in tears because my Mom used to sing that song to me as a child. I didn't want to talk to these girls about my Mom and all I wanted was to be around people who I was comfortable with and who knew me.

It was also during these two weeks that I realized that I wanted my relationship with Andy to continue. I wanted to experience my Senior year of high school with him as my boyfriend, but I also realized that I just didn't have any more capacity to feel anything. It wasn't that I didn't love him, but that I didn't have any energy or room to feel anything for him beyond missing my mom and the grief that I was privately dealing with. When we both returned from ISU, I told him this and we agreed to keep trying and hope that this would get better. Let's be honest, Andy is a great and thoughtful guy and who is going to break up with a girl after her mom dies. So we were both stuck, wanting to be with each other, but not really sure all at the same time.

I don't want it to sound like we were miserable. We enjoyed our Senior year. We enjoyed our time together and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Andy had a great ability to make me laugh, to take me to have fun, and to make me feel loved. I didn't feel alone with him. We were involved in lots of things together and truly enjoyed each others company. I cherish the memories of our high school days together.

Things got more strained as we finished up our Senior year. Andy was looking forward to going to Purdue and living a "normal" college life. I was putting down more and more roots here and preparing to move to campus but felt like I needed to stay very close for my siblings. About mid-Summer after graduation, Andy and I decided it was time to separate. I will be honest I was still in a place with no ability to feel much of anything for anyone and he was losing patience with me and I knew it. So it was the right time and right thing to do in order for neither of us to be holding the other back from doing what they needed to do. Andy needed that normal college experience and not feel like he was abandoning me in a time of need and I needed some time alone to grieve and not feel like I was pulling anyone down.

I sometimes wonder how things may or may not have been different for Andy and I had my Mom not died. When I go down that path, I quickly come to the realization that it doesn't matter. The what ifs are a waste of time, because what happened was reality and we both did the best we could at the time with the circumstances. We both tried to also do what we felt was best for the other and in the end that was all we could do.  I don't regret any of the decisions we made and I feel very blessed to have Andy by my side during my entire Senior Year.

I am not a quitter, but ....

So in the spring softball was my only full time activity left.  I had played softball since I was in Kindergarten and it was my favorite sport.  This year was the first that our school had a team and we were playing fast pitch.  I went back to practice when I returned to school.  I had to sit out a few games because I had missed all the practices for Spring Break and the week after.  I was going through the motions but I was feeling very overwhelmed with keeping up with the laundry, making dinners, homework, and being gone for softball games and practices.  My dad and siblings were all trying to chip in and help get all this done at home, but I felt that it was my responsibility and I felt a lot of guilt about not being home.

I earned the opportunity to play in my first game and it was away. It was my first high school game and I was pitching at the JV level.  (I never said I was good at fast pitch softball, so yes, I was a Jr playing JV).  The catcher was Amy, a close friend of mine today.  My dad was not able to travel to the game and I think this was the first game I had ever played in with out either of my parents there.   I was extremely nervous and sad all at the same time.  The sport I had loved and enjoyed for so many years was now just making me sad.

I had to prove to myself that I could do this and that just because this terrible thing had happened that I could still play.  Amy's dad was in the stands and he cheered me on with every pitch.  I remember how comforting it had been to hear him telling me I could do it.  In my mind, he was my cheerleader that day.  He was my comfort in that moment of sadness and doubt.  I finished that game and struck out one batter.  I could do this!

That night on the way back to school tears rolled down my cheeks as I stared out the window into the darkness.  I had proven that I could do it.  I could pitch in fast pitch softball even after my Mom had died.  I also knew that I had to quit, because my heart just wasn't in it and I didn't have the energy or stamina to juggle softball and all these new hats I was wearing.

I felt great guilt in quitting, because I had been taught after you commit to something you see it through.  I had never quit anything in my life, but even though I felt that tremendous guilt of quitting the guilt I felt for not being home was greater.

So the next day after practice I tearfully told my coaches that I had to quit.  I cried with my teammates and friends because we had played together since our Pee Wee Pros days and I was leaving them.  It was a very hard decision for me to make and very hard activity for me to walk away from, but I needed some time to be home and to figure out how to make life work with out my mom.

As I look back today, I don't regret this decision, but I also still feel guilty because I can't say I never quit anything.  I just remember all of the emotions being so overwhelming... the grief, the sadness, the guilt.... I just felt everything so strongly during those first weeks.   I'm still teaching my boys that we don't quit. Once we commit to being on a team, we have to finish the season.  However, I believe this taught me that there are always exceptions in life, even to the hard fast rules and sometimes you have to do things that you have been taught are wrong, just to make it through.

Mother's Day

With Mother's Day approaching, I thought I would reflect on several things that stand out for me about this holiday.  First my Mom's birthday is May 8th, so every year we celebrated both her birthday and Mother's Day together.  We always made a card in CCD and I always added Happy Birthday to it.  I always remember my mother fondly on this day, but somehow I have also been able to make this day about honoring her and not very focused on mourning her.  I mourn her on the anniversary of her death.  I celebrate and remember her on Mother's Day.

We have started a family tradition with the boys of taking flowers to Grandma Patty's grave on this day.  The boys have regularly visited the cemetery from time they were born.  The first time we took Lucas he just sat right down in front of the correct headstone and touched it, like he was drawn to this spot in the cemetery.  It was a very touching moment.

I have been blessed with many wonderful women in my life who collectively have filled in the role of Mother in my life over the years.  One of these women is my mother-in-law, Kay.  I thought I would take this opportunity to share some memories and thoughts on my Mom's interactions with my mother-in-law.

I'm sure my Mom had no idea when I was 17 years old who I might marry one day.  My mom and dad dated in high school and were married a couple of years after graduation, so maybe my mom felt like there was a high chance that Andy was the one.  My first memory of my Mom looking for Kay to help take care of me was far before her passing or even Andy or I dating.  In Jr. High, Andy and I both qualified to take the SAT as part of a Gifted and Talented study or something.  Both of our mom's drove us to UE to take the test.  I had seen Andy and his mom walking in ahead of us and pointed them out to Mom.  Mom got sick just as we arrived and was unable to help me get signed in and figure out where I was supposed to go.  Being my first time on campus and already being stressed about taking the SAT as a 13 year old, I got a little worried.  Mom suggested I go find Andy and Kay and see if they could help me. I found them and Kay got me all settled in.  At the time I didn't give it much thought at all, but now is seems a little symbolic.

I found out shortly after Andy and I were engaged, that Kay and my Mom had ran into each other at the grocery shortly before our Spring Break trip.  I think at the time Kay was a little worried that Andy and I were a little too serious and expressed some of that concern to my Mom. Mom responded with the idea that maybe they will break up, go to college and live a little and then get back together a few years later and it will all work out.  Amazingly enough that's exactly what happened.  Kay never shared that story with me, until after Andy and I were engaged.  I'm sure my mom didn't know she was going to die, but it's like she already could see the path my life would take.

Shortly before Mom's death, I had been invited to a dinner to honor local high school math students at UE.  My mom was very excited and was looking forward to going.  The dinner was after Spring Break and I was ready to bail.  Kay stepped in again and she and Andy went to the banquet with me.  Kay started stepping in for my Mom immediately and continued to do so even when I wasn't dating her son.  She has always treated and loved me as one of her own and I was grateful all the way back to jr high through today.  Kay will never replace my mother nor has she ever tried, but she has supported me and stepped in when she has been able to make that hole in my life a little smaller.

Mother's Day is also very special to me for another reason.  This is the day that I started my journey as a mother.  I struggled with fertility issues while trying to conceive Lucas.  After 2 years of struggles, we had a successful IVF cycle in 2008.  Our egg retrieval was on Mother's Day.  I felt my mother's presence and prayers very strongly on that day, more so that any other in the last 20 years. It was very symbolic that our little Lucas was formed on that day.  It was on that Mother's Day that my mom and Kay became Grandmothers and I a mother.

So today, I remember the smiling woman who has amazed me even after her death with her insight into my future, her presence in my life, and the gift that she will always be to me. I also honor my mother in law who not only blessed me with her son, but has also been a constant presence and blessing to my life for the last 30+ years and who continues to be a blessing to our family.

Back to Normal

With the funeral over, we stayed home a couple of more days and returned to school.  Life was supposed to go back to normal.  We were back in the groove of practices, homework, and chores, but there was little in my life that felt normal.  Being in school did feel comforting and focusing on my school work was a good distraction from all that was going on in my head.

At the same time, it felt very far from normal.  I felt like everyone now looked at me as the girl whose Mom died.  I felt like they were all just looking for signs that I wasn't handling it well or waiting for me to have a break down.  I felt like people were tip toeing around me not knowing how to act or what to say.

I felt like everyone else's lives did go back to normal.  My friends had grieved with me and processed what had happened and were now moving forward.  Their lives were back to normal.  I thought most of our family probably did the same.  I say this not referring to my siblings or dad, but our extended family. (This seems absurd to me now to think that anyone in my family just went back to normal after her death, but it's what I assumed at the time.) All these years later, I now know this wasn't true at all.   In recent days since I have started this blog, I have had several family members reach out to me letting me know how much they were affected by my Mom's passing and how it took them years to come to terms with it.  Amazing as it sounds, 20 years later and I'm just realizing I'm not the only one that took years to process this. Even today, I find great comfort in this.

I have a relatively big extended family and I would consider us close, especially 20 years ago.  I saw my grandparents and a lots of my aunts, uncles, and cousins weekly growing up and we lived nearby each other.  We have regularly shared stories about my Mom, talked about how much we miss her, but never did we talk about how her death made us feel, how we handled the days, weeks, months following her death, or how it stills affects us today.  I will be honest I never discussed these things with my siblings or father either.  Mom was spoken of often, our feelings however were not.

I never brought it up to anyone because I never wanted to make anyone sad.  I never wanted to bring someone down if they were doing well with it.  I never wanted to let anyone know how sad I was.  Now that I have more insight into how much it affected my entire family, I wish I had brought it up.  I wish we could have been shoulders for each other to cry on and helped each other through it instead of me feeling so alone.  I have no doubt that any and all of my family members would have totally been there for me. As nice as it sounds to have been able to lean on each other. I also know that I just didn't have the courage to face the emotions that I was trying so hard to keep bottled up inside at that time.  And years later when I was ready, I erroneously assumed they had all moved on.

Ironically, my mom had never discussed with me how her mother's death affected her or how she had handled it.  I knew about my grandma and how she died, but have no recollection of Mom ever talking about her feelings related to her mom.  Now was that because this conversation topic just never came up in my 17 years of life or was it something she didn't want to discuss?  I will never know.  I wish I had known how she felt.  I think it may have helped me at the time.  This is yet another reason why I'm writing this blog, so that if my two boys ever face this same or a similar struggle they might not feel so alone.  They will not feel like everyone else's lives have just gone back to normal.

The Funeral

The days of the showing and funeral are a blur to me.  I remember being very overwhelmed by the number of people who attended.  I remember standing up near the front of the room with my Dad and aunt and uncles.  I remember greeting people as they proceeded through the line at the funeral home.  I remember many people coming up to me and saying, "You must be Patty's daughter, because you look just like her."  I had never been more proud to have someone tell me how much I looked like my Mom.  

I remember looking at my Mom in the casket we picked out and her hair was perfect, but her face sagged drastically on the left side.  She looked like she had been through something much more traumatic that I had imagined.  Her body had been through hell during those days she was in the hospital and the reality of that sunk in as I stared at her lying there. 

I remember lots of hugs, but I don't remember lots of tears.  I think I was so numb and just empty so there were no more tears to shed.  I think I focused on the details of the services instead of what they meant in order to distant myself emotional from what was happening.  I don't remember crying at the funeral, I may have, but it definitely wasn't a lot.  I think I also focused on making my friends who were not catholic comfortable with the services and mass.  For the funeral at St. Francis Church in Poseyville, my dad, sister, brother and I sat in the front row.  Andy and our close friend Sean sat on either side of me.  I remember holding both of their hands during the service.  Sean did not attend church often and had never attended a mass before.  He was nervous about the mass and he was being a pall bearer for the first time.  So I led him through when to sit, stand, and kneel.  It was something for me to focus on other than the fact that my mother was being buried today.   

There were a few hours of showing at the church before the funeral mass and when they were ready to close the casket they let the immediate family step outside of the church.  It was a sunny day and the warm sun felt good as it was cool inside the church.  My brother started crying outside as the reality of what was happening hit him.  I watched Andy and Sean both fight back tears and I remember comforting them.  They did not need my comforting nor did they ask for it, but this is what I did instead of letting myself get emotional. 

I was told while we were outside and that my cousin Lindsey, who was about 5 years old at the time, sobbed loudly when the casket was closed.  My mom was her godmother and watched her regularly.  This little girl loved my mom and my mom adored her and her sister.  This little 5 year old was so wise beyond her years and she experienced this loss all too early in her life.  She did a better job of grieving in those moments and letting herself feel what she felt and expressed it.    As a mother know I have experienced all that you can learn from a child and there was a lot I could have learned from Lindsey in those moments.   

I remember being proud of the words that Sister Leta read on behalf of my sister, brother and I in the eulogy.  I was very touched when I turned around to look at those gathered in the church that day and the pews were packed, the choir loft was packed all with familiar faces.  Our family, our friends, all those that loved my mom. 

After the funeral and burial service my close friends came to the funeral dinner at church and then came back to my house after instead of going back to school for a few hours.  We talked, laughed, and  I continued to let me be distracted from thinking what was truly happening.  I did find comfort in how much my friends were present to support me in those days following my Mom's death.  It was amazing and humbling the love and support I felt from them.   

A Full House and Lots of Plans

We got home on Thursday or Friday I'm not sure which and I believe the showing/funeral was on Monday/Tuesday.  In the days leading up to that our house was filled with people and it was a great distraction.  My friends came over just to hang out.  We didn't necessarily talk much about what had happened.  I'll be honest I don't remember what we talked about, but I remember them being there.  My sister had her friends there as well.  My brother being in 6th grade didn't have anyone at the house with him, so I remember talking to my Dad and he and I figured out who might be comfortable coming over to play and made some phone calls. We got a few of Nathan's friends there as well.   Our house was never the place to hang out.  We each had friends over around our birthday growing up and Nathan had friends over more frequently but never would a group gather at our house.  It wasn't normal, but during this time it was perfect.  I think our friends didn't know how to help but being with us just playing and hanging out was helping a lot.  Our house at this time was not filled with tears and sadness, but with laughter and the sharing of memories.  It was just what we needed. 

I remember Mrs. Palmer, our band director, and some other band boosters coming over and bringing bags of chips and food to help feed everyone now gathering at our house.  I remember someone anonymously had 10 pizzas delivered to house one evening for supper.  I knew we were a family with many wonderful friends and family, but I remember being amazed at the love and support we were being shown.   

Andy got home a day later than we did and he came over straight from the airport.  His Dad and a friend Dub were with him.  I remember it being dark and I met Andy on the patio outside.  We just hugged and cried and I don't remember what if anything that was said.  It was late and he didn't stay but he came over even if just for a few minutes.  I was touched that his dad and friend and driven out of the way to bring him over and I was glad Andy was home.   

My dad was great about allowing the three of us to help plan Mom's funeral as much as we could.  I remember we picked out a casket that was teal and had gold sea shell like decorations on it where it connected to the handles.  It reminded me of the beach and ocean and since she had died in Florida it seemed very fitting.  Sister Leta came over to help us plan the mass.  My dad was not Catholic so he didn't have any real strong feelings for this part except he wanted the priest that had married them to be present if possible.  Sister Leta made it happen.  Dena and I chose our friends Holly and Jamie to do the readings.  We also picked the songs, I remember that Gentle Woman was one of the songs sung and I still get emotional every time I hear this song at church.  The pall bearers were a combination of friends and family.  My friend Sean was able to do it, my cousin Justin, our family friend Frank, as well as some of Mom's cousins and Dad's friends.  It felt very right have those so close to us involved in Mom's funeral, it was very comforting. 

We also had to get Mom ready.   I remember talking with my aunt Beth about what Mom would want to wear and she helped us pick out the right outfit and jewelry.  We picked her fanciest dress that she had worn to her brother's wedding.  Mom had part of her head shaved and my Dad wanted to make sure the wig and everything was styled just like mom would have had it.  So he asked my aunt Nancy, who was a hairdresser to help with this part.   

I wrote a eulogy which was sort of like a letter from myself, Dena, and Nathan to our mother.  I remember sitting on my bed with my friend Jenni and she helped me pick just the right words. I have searched and searched for this eulogy over the last few weeks and have not been able to find it.  I would love to read it and remember what we said as our final goodbye.   

From my perspective now, I just notice how much we were asking of all of these people.  We were asking teenagers to perform roles in funerals when some of them may have never even been to a funeral.  I was asking my friends to help me write one of the most personal things I would ever write.  We had asked my aunt to help with my mom's hair.  How far outside of the comfort zone were we asking these people to go!  At the time I looked at it as our way of showing these people how much they meant to us and how much we trusted them.  At the time I think we were so far out of our comfort zone that we didn't even think about what we were asking.  I will say that although these individuals might have been pretty nervous and very uncomfortable with what was being asked of them, they each rose to the occasion and were able to provide just what we needed.  A funeral is never something anyone wants to plan or attend, but I saw this as one of my last ways to make sure that my mom's final farewell was a reflection of the classy, graceful, beautiful, generous, compassionate woman that we all saw and loved.  Our friends and family were there for us in every way we needed and it meant more than any of them could realize.

You want me to do laundry how?

This is where my journal entries to Andy stop, because I was home now.  Before I had left for our trip Andy had given me a couple of roses with a card that said "Have a great trip!".  My aunt had gone in to our house to make sure it was ready for us to return and had watered my roses and they were still looking perfect.  I remember that meaning the world to me at the time. I found the card from these flowers last week, in a box of keepsakes, it brought tears to my eyes 20 years later.  

My Dad's side of the family was there to meet us when we got home and my aunt Gayle started teaching my sister and I how to do laundry right away.  My mom had taught me many things, but she also had taken care of lots of things for me.  I didn't have assigned chores growing up and I was always told that as long as I stayed busy with activities I didn't have to get a job.  My mom had always said, I had my whole life to work so I should just wait to start until I had too.  I had babysitting jobs growing up but nothing regular.  I assume looking back that my mom had many chores growing up on her family dairy farm and maybe she felt those chores kept her from doing things she had wanted.  I have no idea if this is true or not, but it's possible.  I always assumed that's why she took care of so much of these things for us instead of spreading out the work. 

I had no idea how to do laundry, and unbeknownst to me, my Mom did the laundry the hard way.  She listened and knew when in the cycle to go in and add the liquid softener and she dried everything on the clothes line and ironed it all.  My mom was a stay at home mom who sold Mary Kay, cleaned our dance studio, cleaned for her father once a week, and babysat my cousins a few days a week. So she was a busy woman and I will tell you that I frequently remember our clean clothes piled in baskets in the dining room.   I would yell down from upstairs each morning what I wanted to wear and she would iron it in time for me to go to school.  My mom didn't keep a perfect house.  Dishes were frequently sitting on the counter.  We didn't live in filth mind you, everything was clean just not always put away.  But I also never remember my Mom not being available to talk, help me with something, or even just to sit and watch TV with me.  She didn't let her chores/duties keep her from spending time with us.  I loved that about her.   

I had been home maybe a few hours and now the fact that the housekeeping duties were now going to fall to my Dad and the three of us was becoming very real.  My aunt explained that I needed to start using a Downey ball for the softener and I needed to dry the clothes in the dryer so they wouldn't need to be ironed.  Well, I felt bad about doing it differently.  I felt like I was saying to my Mom that her way was not right. I was not comfortable with that, but I also understood that the four of us were all going to be at work and school and we were going to have to find a faster way, so this was going to be it.  It didn't remove the guilt I felt though for changing it up.  Looking back it seems silly that I would feel guilt regarding how I did the laundry, but at the time I just felt everything so much deeper than I ever had before and in the weeks and months to come I just craved normalcy, even in the most simple things.  I wanted my jeans to be stiff and smell of outside just so that they felt "normal".  

On a side note, my boys are 6 and 7 years old and they have laundry duties many weekends.  They have been taught how to sort it, load it into the washer, move it to the dryer, add a dryer sheet, and start the dryer.  They aren't allowed to add detergent and they don't fold or put it away yet, but they will get there. I do this because one day they may be faced with this responsibility and I feel like doing it now will make it not seem so different for them.  I also believe it will make them better husbands, because I love it when Andy helps with the laundry.   I realize this seems silly and if my guys are ever faced to live without me knowing how to do laundry won't really make things seem normal, but it makes me feel like I'm doing all I can do to prepare them in even the smallest of ways.  

Thursday of Spring Break 95

Thursday -- Journal entry to Andy

We are on our way home. I'm worried about you.  I want you to know that my mom thought of you like a son and she loved you very much.  I hadn't thought about it before but this is a loss for you too.  I think you considered Mom kinda like your 2nd Mom. She is in a much better place now.
Frank called us.  He has check on the house and wanted to know what he could do.  Your Mom is great! I can't believe all my friends were at your house.  It helped me so much to talk to Sean,
Carolyn, Sarah, Chris, and Jamie. Sean promised to help with Nathan, Jamie was going to call some of Dena's friends, Sarah promised to pray for me, Carolyn was going to talk to Coach Bland for me, Chris promised to help, too.  I have the best friends in the world. I couldn't ask for more.  I was afraid they would feel too awkward to talk to me about it. They were all very brave. Their support will help us so much.
I think everyone has been notified. All my friends will find out.  The only one's I'm not sure about are Chris McNeely and Greg Brown.  I sent both of them postcards at the beginning of my trip. 

I just need you to be here for me to talk to.  I need you to listen to me talk about Mom and the problems that are going to arise.  I'm here to listen to you, too.  I know this will be hard for you too. Together we can make it through anything. I know you don’t know what to say and I don't know what you could say to make me feel better. The only thing you can say that will me is, I love you! That's what I need to hear.  I'm going to try to sleep!

I clearly when into oldest child mode and started taking care of everyone else.  I was worried about Andy and my siblings and my Dad.  I was worried about  my friends and how awkward this would be for them.  I'm also a person who is great at delegating, as you can see I gave each one of my friends a job and way to feel helpful.    I was overwhelmed by the kindness and support of not only my close group of friends but also all my friends.  They were all together when I called.  They all already knew and were trying to figure out how to help.  Frank is a local police officer whom I considered a second father.  He was there to support me and help me when I needed it. He believed in me and was a big cheerleader of mine.  The fact that he would check on our house and call to check on us was incredibly thoughtful. In the chaos of all my crazy thoughts of the past days, I had never imagined the outpouring of love and support that we would receive. 

I also remember that I had called Andy the previous evening.  He was going to fly home early to be with me.  Andy's dad had broken the news to him, but when his dad said, Carrie's mom has died.  He misunderstood and thought that his Dad was  referring to his sister, Carrie and in some backward way telling him his own mother had died.  Once they got it all straightened out, Andy realized what was going on.  They told the airline that Andy's mother-in-law had died in order to get priority on switching flights.  I was touched that he would cut his vacation short to be with me, but I really wanted him with me.  

Wednesday Evening of Spring Break 95

Later on Wednesday -- Journal entry to Andy

Dad's back.  Everything is done. She's gone.  The people here are helping immensely.  They are going to pay for our supper and have it delivered.  I've called your house 10 times. I'm going to need you a lot here for a while.  I'm going to call you mom some more until I can get a hold of her.  I love you!

I remember that my Mom's brother (Scott) and his family were vacationing in Daytona for Spring Break so they came to the resort to see us.  I remember Nathan crying and my cousin Zach who must have been all of 13 or 14 years old at the time hugging and consoling Nathan.  It was so touching to me to see such young boys dealing with something so hard in such a mature and loving way.  

I remember that Disney paid our long distance phone bill so I didn't have to limit my time on the phone to everyone back home.  They got us pizza for dinner and we had a picnic on the floor of our room.  It was such a blur and so long ago, but yet I remember so many details like it was yesterday.  
I think now that my Dad and Aunt were back with us and my family was there we distracted ourselves from the incredible tragedy that had just occurred.  We now had to focus on getting home and logistics of getting Mom home.  We were just numb from the last 48 hours and were going on adrenaline to deal with the arrangements and to dos that were ahead.  We didn't give much thought to the fact that she was gone and what life would be like from this point forward.

It was so hard to fathom that this vacation that my Mom had worked so hard to plan had taken such a tragic turn.  Walt Disney World, the happiest place on earth, was anything but.  I couldn't imagine ever returning to this place that would hold such horrible memories for me.

Wednesday Morning of Spring Break 95

Wednesday -- Journal entry to Andy

Good Morning!  I told Nathan and he took it better than I thought.  His first comment after he calmed down was she's not going to see my play.  I told him that both of us would be there and Mom would see it just not from the audience.  I told him Mom would see everything we do from heaven.  I know she will be in a better place and I have to keep reminding myself of that.

Right now, I don't know if she is alive or not.  It's about 8 o'clock in the morning and I don't know if she made it through the night or if she died already and I don't know when they will unplug her.
Nathan did want to see her. I just don't think that would have been a good idea. Dad wouldn't have wanted to watch him see her.  We all feel that Dad made a brave decision. It wouldn't have been fair to Mom or us to let her live off of machines.  He made the right decision. I thought a lot last night and I am feeling much better. The funeral will be really hard, but I think we'll be alright after a while. 
I have written so much that I really don't have anything else to write.  So I'll go if I find out anything I'll let you know.  I Love You!!

This conversation with Nathan was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life still to this day.  Nathan had been preparing for his school play, which was a rite of passage for 6th graders in our school.  He had such an honest reaction. He wanted her here to see him in that play, to see him grow up, and to be with him as he lived his life. That's what we all wanted.  

I think he wanted to see her in the hospital partially because he had not seen her the morning she was taken to the hospital.  He hadn't see her acting like she was trapped her body with no control of her movements, thoughts, and sounds.  I just hoped that one day he would understand why I had made the decision that I did.

 We never once questioned our Dad's decision to remove her from life support.  We discussed it together the three of us before Dad returned and we all felt this was the right decision.  
I think the reason I felt better was because there wasn't as much unknown. I knew she was going to die so now I could start to plan, like I still do when faced with adversity.  I didn't really feel better and I had no idea what pain would lie ahead, but at least I knew what was going to happen next. I also remember thinking that my Mom had lost her mother and she hadn't sat around feeling sorry for herself, she picked up and moved on, so that must be what we were supposed to do too.  I clearly at the time  had no idea how my Mom had coped with the death of her mother, but this was my rationale.