I graduated college feeling strong and happy with where my life was headed. I hadn't dated much in college because I needed that time to just be alone and deal with all the emotions that I suppressed. I got a great job programming at Keller Schroeder and was able to continue teaching dance. I had reached another milestone without my Mom here, but I knew she was smiling down from heaven on me and watching out for me as she always had.
Andy graduated from Purdue and moved out to Boston. I had stayed close with his family but had not had regular communication with him. He came back to visit for our 5 year class reunion. We hung out and took the obligatory walk down memory lane that always happens at class reunions. Needless to say to say a few months later, he moved home and we were dating again. We were engaged and married within 15 months of him being back. Throughout our lives there have been moments when my Mom's presence has been felt.
In 2011, a close friend of ours, Shawn, that had been there with us in high school during my Mom's death, called and he invited us and the boys to go to Disney World with him and his wife. They are both Disney fanatics and some of the party travelling with them had cancelled so they had room in their villa. I wasn't sure I ever wanted to go back to Disney, but this was a great time to go with our 2 and 3 year olds and be with a friend that totally understood what a big step this was for me.
Andy was great and patient and he gets just as excited as a little kid about Disney. We went and I was able to just enjoy my family. I got emotional when we started to walk up to Big Thunder Mountain. This roller coaster was my memory of my Mom here. I was walking up to ride with Lucas. Adam wasn't tall enough so it was just the two of us. I told him that Grandma Patty had brought me here once and this was her first roller coaster ride. It was going to be his first as well. As tears started to roll down my cheeks, he grabbed my hand and said, "Mom, I love you!" It was a perfect moment. I was able to take just a minute to process that great tragedy that had happened the last time I was hear, but I was able to know that my Mom would want me here making memories with her grandsons and filling their lives with happiness. That's exactly what we did for the week we were there and it felt so good to honor her memory instead of feel that extreme sadness that I had struggled with all those years before.
The boys still don't know that Grandma Patty died while we were at Disney World, but they do know that Mom talks about her when we are there because it brings back the memories of that roller coaster ride. We visit Disney regularly now. Not because of my Mom, but because my boys love it and our little family of four just loves to immerse ourselves in the magic and child like wonder that comes with Disney. At this point in our lives it's our get away and I would have never guessed that I would ever heal enough to find joy in the place where that tragedy occurred, but with time and healing anything is possible.
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
Tragedy Strikes Again
As I started my second semester of college, tragedy happened again. Andy grew up in a neighborhood with several close friends. Chris Hill and Sean Fisher were two of these friends and both were close friends of mine as well. Both were at USI and were in several classes with me. There was a terrible ice storm in January 1997 and Chris was killed in a car accident on his way to USI. I had seen him at class a couple of days before and he had waved to me from across the room. Little did I know, that was the last time I would see him.
Andy was at Purdue and quickly made his way home. Andy, Sean, and I along with several other friends all gathered together to support one another and share stories of Chris. It was all so eerily familiar, only the last time I had gathered with these friends in sadness it had been when my Mom died less than two years before. This process was different. I didn't have anyone to be strong for or anything to really distract myself with. I cried and cried and cried at this funeral. I hugged my friends and told them how much I loved them. I was able to grieve with them. I again was saying good bye to someone I cared for with Andy and Sean by my side knowing each of them had a lifetime of memories with Chris and this was so hard for them. My heart was breaking for them and I just couldn't understand why there was so much loss in the last few years in my life, my grandfather, my mom, and now my friend.
Chris's death affected me in a very unexpected way. It opened my eyes to the grief that I was holding inside. It was a turning point for me. I started to open up very privately to feel all that I had kept bottled up inside. I started writing in a journal again. I started processing all the sadness. I relied a lot on my friend Sean. Sean listened and he was one of the only people I felt comfortable opening up to about the grief I was experiencing. I don't know why I felt comfortable with him knowing the truth verses others. He was an 19 year old guy who had no idea what to do with any of the things I was sharing with him, but he listened. He encouraged. He didn't squirm and act uncomfortable with all the sadness and grief that I was expressing. He didn't minimize my feelings or question why I was still feeling this way. As I would start to question my faith or why good people had to die so young, he would just say I don't think you should be questioning that stuff. He was not a religious guy, but knew that I needed to keep strong in my faith. His listening to my struggles helped me greatly at this time. He let me cry when I needed to cry. He let me share memories and stories of my mom and I was able to start to remember with laughter and smiles. He was the friend I needed and blessing to me during this time and I don't know if I would have been able to process it all without him.
It still took years, but I came to accept the loss of my mom. I worked through the grieving process instead of ignoring it. I spent the majority of my college years working through it, but I did come out the other side with strong faith in God and his plan for me.
One of the greatest gifts my Mom gave me is my faith in God. She was a faithful woman who taught me by example. I don't remember many conversations regarding faith, but I saw her pray and serve. I believe my journey of grief is the one that God planned for me. He put the right people in my life at the right times to be there to help me. Andy, his family, my family, my boss Karen, Sean and all my friends, roommates, and dancers were all placed in my life for a reason and whether they knew it or not they each played a role in my healing. I thank God for the time I had with my mom and with my dear friend Chris. My faith grew even more during these years as I came to realize that although I felt alone, God had me surrounded with the best people to help me get through it all.
Andy was at Purdue and quickly made his way home. Andy, Sean, and I along with several other friends all gathered together to support one another and share stories of Chris. It was all so eerily familiar, only the last time I had gathered with these friends in sadness it had been when my Mom died less than two years before. This process was different. I didn't have anyone to be strong for or anything to really distract myself with. I cried and cried and cried at this funeral. I hugged my friends and told them how much I loved them. I was able to grieve with them. I again was saying good bye to someone I cared for with Andy and Sean by my side knowing each of them had a lifetime of memories with Chris and this was so hard for them. My heart was breaking for them and I just couldn't understand why there was so much loss in the last few years in my life, my grandfather, my mom, and now my friend.
Chris's death affected me in a very unexpected way. It opened my eyes to the grief that I was holding inside. It was a turning point for me. I started to open up very privately to feel all that I had kept bottled up inside. I started writing in a journal again. I started processing all the sadness. I relied a lot on my friend Sean. Sean listened and he was one of the only people I felt comfortable opening up to about the grief I was experiencing. I don't know why I felt comfortable with him knowing the truth verses others. He was an 19 year old guy who had no idea what to do with any of the things I was sharing with him, but he listened. He encouraged. He didn't squirm and act uncomfortable with all the sadness and grief that I was expressing. He didn't minimize my feelings or question why I was still feeling this way. As I would start to question my faith or why good people had to die so young, he would just say I don't think you should be questioning that stuff. He was not a religious guy, but knew that I needed to keep strong in my faith. His listening to my struggles helped me greatly at this time. He let me cry when I needed to cry. He let me share memories and stories of my mom and I was able to start to remember with laughter and smiles. He was the friend I needed and blessing to me during this time and I don't know if I would have been able to process it all without him.
It still took years, but I came to accept the loss of my mom. I worked through the grieving process instead of ignoring it. I spent the majority of my college years working through it, but I did come out the other side with strong faith in God and his plan for me.
One of the greatest gifts my Mom gave me is my faith in God. She was a faithful woman who taught me by example. I don't remember many conversations regarding faith, but I saw her pray and serve. I believe my journey of grief is the one that God planned for me. He put the right people in my life at the right times to be there to help me. Andy, his family, my family, my boss Karen, Sean and all my friends, roommates, and dancers were all placed in my life for a reason and whether they knew it or not they each played a role in my healing. I thank God for the time I had with my mom and with my dear friend Chris. My faith grew even more during these years as I came to realize that although I felt alone, God had me surrounded with the best people to help me get through it all.
Sunday, November 22, 2015
1st Semester of College
The summer after graduation was tough and exciting all at the same time. Andy and I broke up, but I stayed close with him and his family. I started by job on campus and I prepared to move to campus at USI. I remained in denial of the grief I was experiencing and tried to enjoy the changes that were happening around me. As I started college and these changes were occurring the thing I noticed the most was that I missed talking to my Mom. My mom, little did I know, was my very best friend when I was a junior in high school. I was a daughter who came home from school everyday and talked to my Mom about everything that happened in my day. As I was preparing for these changes and starting my new journey in college, I longed to have her to talk to. I longed to talk to her about important things, but just as much I missed being able to tell her about the trivial and silly things that happened through my day.
I was blessed to be surrounded by many people that helped fill that void. I talked regularly with Andy's mom, Kay. I spoke to my Aunt Beth multiples time a week and she stayed up on everything happening with my friends. She listened to me talk about all the drama that comes along with moving in with roommates for the first time and many of my close friends going off to college. My new boss, Karen, quickly became a confidant that I spoke to on a daily basis as well. I used all of these people to fill the void I felt of not having my mom here to share my days with. I don't think I realized that these people were playing such a pivotal role at the time, but looking back I am so grateful.
The other blessing I had at this time was I started teaching dance. My Aunt Beth and Uncle Path were gracious enough to allow me to use their house for my lessons. I loved teaching my girls to dance. Dance was a place that I felt like I belonged. It was a place that I felt like I could make a difference in these young girls lives. I could help them find the confidence and joy from dance that I did. My mom had worked very hard so that I could dance and now I could ensure that the sacrifices she had made were for more than just me. I was able to share this passion with some amazing families that are still near and dear to my heart all these years later. Teaching dance brought me true, real joy and I will forever be grateful to my aunt and uncle for allowing me to use their home, but also to my dance parents for trusting me to teach their daughters and allowing me to be with them each week.
My first semester of college was off to a good start. I was still grieving, but was starting to have a little room for joy in my life as well.
I was blessed to be surrounded by many people that helped fill that void. I talked regularly with Andy's mom, Kay. I spoke to my Aunt Beth multiples time a week and she stayed up on everything happening with my friends. She listened to me talk about all the drama that comes along with moving in with roommates for the first time and many of my close friends going off to college. My new boss, Karen, quickly became a confidant that I spoke to on a daily basis as well. I used all of these people to fill the void I felt of not having my mom here to share my days with. I don't think I realized that these people were playing such a pivotal role at the time, but looking back I am so grateful.
The other blessing I had at this time was I started teaching dance. My Aunt Beth and Uncle Path were gracious enough to allow me to use their house for my lessons. I loved teaching my girls to dance. Dance was a place that I felt like I belonged. It was a place that I felt like I could make a difference in these young girls lives. I could help them find the confidence and joy from dance that I did. My mom had worked very hard so that I could dance and now I could ensure that the sacrifices she had made were for more than just me. I was able to share this passion with some amazing families that are still near and dear to my heart all these years later. Teaching dance brought me true, real joy and I will forever be grateful to my aunt and uncle for allowing me to use their home, but also to my dance parents for trusting me to teach their daughters and allowing me to be with them each week.
My first semester of college was off to a good start. I was still grieving, but was starting to have a little room for joy in my life as well.
Monday, November 16, 2015
Graduation
Well, graduation finally came and it was my first big milestone without my Mom there as I had always pictured. The fact that she wouldn't be there to see me graduate, to see me get married, to see my have my children, became a true reality. I was saying good bye to life as I knew it. My comfort zone was leaving me whether I wanted it to or not. I would not be in this school, with these friends, and these teachers on a day to day basis again. I was supposed to be happy about this, but in my mind just one more thing was drastically changing and it was totally out of my control.
I wrote my speech and for the first time was so nervous about whether or not I would be able to make it through it. I had given lots of speeches over the years, but this one was different. This one was a speech that I would give during a very emotional event. My speech was about how our class was exceptional unique and about how proud I was that we were different. It also expressed how much it meant to me to have all of my friends with me through the ups and downs of life.
Andy and I walked together at graduation and sat in the front row. Andy was pretty emotional, (which is one of the things I love about him), so I knew I couldn't look at him during my speech. My friend Sean was an emotional rock that day, so he had agreed to be someone I could look at during my speech if I started to break down. I was doing great with my speech until I came to the part about the ups and down of life and my voice cracked and my eyes started to fill with tears. I looked up Sean was the giving me the look to pull it together. I continued and was able to finish. I breathed a huge sigh of relief and returned to hugs and congratulations from Andy and those around me. I had a lot of people tell me that day that my Mom would have been proud, and I appreciated everyone who told me that. I was proud in that moment, proud of reaching my goals, proud of making it through my speech, and proud of the friendships that I had made. I felt my mom with me that day and deep down I felt her pride for me as well.
I wrote my speech and for the first time was so nervous about whether or not I would be able to make it through it. I had given lots of speeches over the years, but this one was different. This one was a speech that I would give during a very emotional event. My speech was about how our class was exceptional unique and about how proud I was that we were different. It also expressed how much it meant to me to have all of my friends with me through the ups and downs of life.
Andy and I walked together at graduation and sat in the front row. Andy was pretty emotional, (which is one of the things I love about him), so I knew I couldn't look at him during my speech. My friend Sean was an emotional rock that day, so he had agreed to be someone I could look at during my speech if I started to break down. I was doing great with my speech until I came to the part about the ups and down of life and my voice cracked and my eyes started to fill with tears. I looked up Sean was the giving me the look to pull it together. I continued and was able to finish. I breathed a huge sigh of relief and returned to hugs and congratulations from Andy and those around me. I had a lot of people tell me that day that my Mom would have been proud, and I appreciated everyone who told me that. I was proud in that moment, proud of reaching my goals, proud of making it through my speech, and proud of the friendships that I had made. I felt my mom with me that day and deep down I felt her pride for me as well.
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Goals Achieved
I know my last post kinda skipped over my whole senior year, but I definitely wanted to touch base on a few thoughts I have on that.
I am a goal setter and planner and I always have been. My mom and I had many talks about what college I should go to and why. I was down to deciding between UE and USI. Both had a good Business School for my Accounting degree. UE had a more notable dance team, but was a private school and the tuition would be high. USI we found out offered a full ride scholarship to all Valedictorians and Salutatorians including room and board, called the Presidential Scholarship.
So I set a goal of being in the TOP 2 of my class. This goal was important to me for a couple of reasons. I really wanted to speak at my graduation ceremony and I knew being in the TOP 2 would allow me to do that. Secondly, the Presidential Scholarship was too good to pass up.
So I kept this goal in mind my entire high school career but it was even more in my mind throughout my Senior Year. I felt like if I didn't end up in the TOP 2 that I was letting my Mom down, since this was a goal we had set together. Now looking back this was a ridiculous pressure to put on myself, because as mother now, I realize that my Mom would have been proud of me regardless. At the time I would have felt like a complete failure if I wasn’t in the TOP 2. My teachers were well aware of my goal and if I got in danger of getting a B they all gave me plenty of notice in order to get my grade back up.
When it came time to apply for the scholarship I got a huge shock, they were changing the requirements. Now instead of all qualified students getting the scholarship, only 10 students would be awarded the scholarship each year. You still had to be a Valedictorian or Salutatorian to apply, but now you had to write an essay and go through an interview process. I didn't think there was anyway I would be chosen as one of the 10 and I would be letting down my Mom.
I was not someone looking for sympathy nor did I ever want to use my situation to gain favor in life. I still feel very strongly about this, but the stars aligned and I had no choice. The essay topic was, "If you could talk to someone dead or alive who would it be and why?" I struggled with whether or not I honestly answer this question or I just make something up. Did I really want to expose myself in this way on a scholarship essay? But only one thing came to mind every time I tried to write my essay. So I wrote about my mom. I really wish I still had a copy of it today, because I have no recollection of what I wrote.
I got the schedule for the interview and was hit with another blow. My interview was on the 1st anniversary of my Mom's death. The very day, really?? So here I was dealing with the emotion of it being the 1st anniversary, and I would have to face my first ever scholarship interview and in my mind, my whole scholarship was relying on this single interview. Not to mention I also scheduled my first job interview for this same day. No pressure! So again I just tried to suppress everything and not feel. Looking back, I could have used Queen Elsa's theme song at the time!
Well, since I had written about my Mom in my essay they asked about her and I had to tell them what day it was. I'm pretty sure I got teary in my interview and I'm also pretty sure the interviewers may have shed a couple of tears as well. That's all I really remember about the interview. My job interview was great and I immediately knew that I just adored my new boss, Karen. In the end I got the scholarship and I got the job, so I will always feel like my Mom was with me on that day. I feel like I was meant to get that scholarship and I was meant to open up to that Scholarship Committee because the essay topic and date of the interview were all pointing me in that direction. I also finished my high school career as Salutatorian of my class. I felt like I had accomplished what my Mom and I had set as goals so many months before and I could know that I had made her proud although she was not here for me to celebrate with. I still was crying on a daily basis over the sadness I still felt so strongly over my mom's death. But even though that I still felt great pride and joy in these accomplishments.
I am a goal setter and planner and I always have been. My mom and I had many talks about what college I should go to and why. I was down to deciding between UE and USI. Both had a good Business School for my Accounting degree. UE had a more notable dance team, but was a private school and the tuition would be high. USI we found out offered a full ride scholarship to all Valedictorians and Salutatorians including room and board, called the Presidential Scholarship.
So I set a goal of being in the TOP 2 of my class. This goal was important to me for a couple of reasons. I really wanted to speak at my graduation ceremony and I knew being in the TOP 2 would allow me to do that. Secondly, the Presidential Scholarship was too good to pass up.
So I kept this goal in mind my entire high school career but it was even more in my mind throughout my Senior Year. I felt like if I didn't end up in the TOP 2 that I was letting my Mom down, since this was a goal we had set together. Now looking back this was a ridiculous pressure to put on myself, because as mother now, I realize that my Mom would have been proud of me regardless. At the time I would have felt like a complete failure if I wasn’t in the TOP 2. My teachers were well aware of my goal and if I got in danger of getting a B they all gave me plenty of notice in order to get my grade back up.
When it came time to apply for the scholarship I got a huge shock, they were changing the requirements. Now instead of all qualified students getting the scholarship, only 10 students would be awarded the scholarship each year. You still had to be a Valedictorian or Salutatorian to apply, but now you had to write an essay and go through an interview process. I didn't think there was anyway I would be chosen as one of the 10 and I would be letting down my Mom.
I was not someone looking for sympathy nor did I ever want to use my situation to gain favor in life. I still feel very strongly about this, but the stars aligned and I had no choice. The essay topic was, "If you could talk to someone dead or alive who would it be and why?" I struggled with whether or not I honestly answer this question or I just make something up. Did I really want to expose myself in this way on a scholarship essay? But only one thing came to mind every time I tried to write my essay. So I wrote about my mom. I really wish I still had a copy of it today, because I have no recollection of what I wrote.
I got the schedule for the interview and was hit with another blow. My interview was on the 1st anniversary of my Mom's death. The very day, really?? So here I was dealing with the emotion of it being the 1st anniversary, and I would have to face my first ever scholarship interview and in my mind, my whole scholarship was relying on this single interview. Not to mention I also scheduled my first job interview for this same day. No pressure! So again I just tried to suppress everything and not feel. Looking back, I could have used Queen Elsa's theme song at the time!
Well, since I had written about my Mom in my essay they asked about her and I had to tell them what day it was. I'm pretty sure I got teary in my interview and I'm also pretty sure the interviewers may have shed a couple of tears as well. That's all I really remember about the interview. My job interview was great and I immediately knew that I just adored my new boss, Karen. In the end I got the scholarship and I got the job, so I will always feel like my Mom was with me on that day. I feel like I was meant to get that scholarship and I was meant to open up to that Scholarship Committee because the essay topic and date of the interview were all pointing me in that direction. I also finished my high school career as Salutatorian of my class. I felt like I had accomplished what my Mom and I had set as goals so many months before and I could know that I had made her proud although she was not here for me to celebrate with. I still was crying on a daily basis over the sadness I still felt so strongly over my mom's death. But even though that I still felt great pride and joy in these accomplishments.
A Relationship Strained
As Andy and I finished up our Junior year and weekend date nights changed quite a bit. We regularly went grocery shopping, took Nathan shopping for clothes, and he helped me clean the house as well. He taught me even back then some cooking tips and I started marinating chicken instead of always making it plain. Andy never complained about these activities although we both knew it wasn't normal date nights for two 17 year olds.
I started to struggle with our relationship as well. I knew that I loved Andy and I wanted to be with him, but I had a hard time determining if I was in love with him and if a relationship was what I wanted at the time. We had a two week period over the summer when we were apart because Andy had a week at ISU for Boys State and I was at ISU the following week for Girls State. My week away was extremely tough. I was with a whole bunch of girls who didn't know me and didn't know what had happened. We sat down the first day and started singing songs. We sang "You are my Sunshine" and I just broke out in tears because my Mom used to sing that song to me as a child. I didn't want to talk to these girls about my Mom and all I wanted was to be around people who I was comfortable with and who knew me.
It was also during these two weeks that I realized that I wanted my relationship with Andy to continue. I wanted to experience my Senior year of high school with him as my boyfriend, but I also realized that I just didn't have any more capacity to feel anything. It wasn't that I didn't love him, but that I didn't have any energy or room to feel anything for him beyond missing my mom and the grief that I was privately dealing with. When we both returned from ISU, I told him this and we agreed to keep trying and hope that this would get better. Let's be honest, Andy is a great and thoughtful guy and who is going to break up with a girl after her mom dies. So we were both stuck, wanting to be with each other, but not really sure all at the same time.
I don't want it to sound like we were miserable. We enjoyed our Senior year. We enjoyed our time together and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Andy had a great ability to make me laugh, to take me to have fun, and to make me feel loved. I didn't feel alone with him. We were involved in lots of things together and truly enjoyed each others company. I cherish the memories of our high school days together.
Things got more strained as we finished up our Senior year. Andy was looking forward to going to Purdue and living a "normal" college life. I was putting down more and more roots here and preparing to move to campus but felt like I needed to stay very close for my siblings. About mid-Summer after graduation, Andy and I decided it was time to separate. I will be honest I was still in a place with no ability to feel much of anything for anyone and he was losing patience with me and I knew it. So it was the right time and right thing to do in order for neither of us to be holding the other back from doing what they needed to do. Andy needed that normal college experience and not feel like he was abandoning me in a time of need and I needed some time alone to grieve and not feel like I was pulling anyone down.
I sometimes wonder how things may or may not have been different for Andy and I had my Mom not died. When I go down that path, I quickly come to the realization that it doesn't matter. The what ifs are a waste of time, because what happened was reality and we both did the best we could at the time with the circumstances. We both tried to also do what we felt was best for the other and in the end that was all we could do. I don't regret any of the decisions we made and I feel very blessed to have Andy by my side during my entire Senior Year.
I started to struggle with our relationship as well. I knew that I loved Andy and I wanted to be with him, but I had a hard time determining if I was in love with him and if a relationship was what I wanted at the time. We had a two week period over the summer when we were apart because Andy had a week at ISU for Boys State and I was at ISU the following week for Girls State. My week away was extremely tough. I was with a whole bunch of girls who didn't know me and didn't know what had happened. We sat down the first day and started singing songs. We sang "You are my Sunshine" and I just broke out in tears because my Mom used to sing that song to me as a child. I didn't want to talk to these girls about my Mom and all I wanted was to be around people who I was comfortable with and who knew me.
It was also during these two weeks that I realized that I wanted my relationship with Andy to continue. I wanted to experience my Senior year of high school with him as my boyfriend, but I also realized that I just didn't have any more capacity to feel anything. It wasn't that I didn't love him, but that I didn't have any energy or room to feel anything for him beyond missing my mom and the grief that I was privately dealing with. When we both returned from ISU, I told him this and we agreed to keep trying and hope that this would get better. Let's be honest, Andy is a great and thoughtful guy and who is going to break up with a girl after her mom dies. So we were both stuck, wanting to be with each other, but not really sure all at the same time.
I don't want it to sound like we were miserable. We enjoyed our Senior year. We enjoyed our time together and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Andy had a great ability to make me laugh, to take me to have fun, and to make me feel loved. I didn't feel alone with him. We were involved in lots of things together and truly enjoyed each others company. I cherish the memories of our high school days together.
Things got more strained as we finished up our Senior year. Andy was looking forward to going to Purdue and living a "normal" college life. I was putting down more and more roots here and preparing to move to campus but felt like I needed to stay very close for my siblings. About mid-Summer after graduation, Andy and I decided it was time to separate. I will be honest I was still in a place with no ability to feel much of anything for anyone and he was losing patience with me and I knew it. So it was the right time and right thing to do in order for neither of us to be holding the other back from doing what they needed to do. Andy needed that normal college experience and not feel like he was abandoning me in a time of need and I needed some time alone to grieve and not feel like I was pulling anyone down.
I sometimes wonder how things may or may not have been different for Andy and I had my Mom not died. When I go down that path, I quickly come to the realization that it doesn't matter. The what ifs are a waste of time, because what happened was reality and we both did the best we could at the time with the circumstances. We both tried to also do what we felt was best for the other and in the end that was all we could do. I don't regret any of the decisions we made and I feel very blessed to have Andy by my side during my entire Senior Year.
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