About the Blog

Many may wonder why after 20 years, I have chosen to share something so personal and that happened so long ago. I am sharing this because at the time I felt very alone and if these words would help someone else not feel so alone then that's worth my opening up about this time of my life. I also want to document these events and thoughts for my own two sons so that they have an account of why their Mom was so adamant that they always know how much I loved them. I also share this as a therapeutic release for myself on this twentieth anniversary.

This blog will not likely be an ongoing dialogue, but it may take me a year to share all that I experienced and how I processed the impact of this event for years to come. It still affects how I live my life today and will always shape the way I see the world.

I don't share these stories to ask for sympathy or for anyone to feel sorry for me. Sometimes life sucks and is hard and everyone experiences that in life. I don't feel my life has been any worse or any different that anyone else's. I do ask for prayers, not for myself specifically, but for all those dealing with the loss of loved ones. Pray that they may find the courage and strength to allow themselves to grieve for their loss and continue to live a life full of love and happiness as time passes by.

I was not a perfect daughter, sister, friend, or girlfriend at any point in my life much less during one of the most difficult times. I do not believe the way I grieved and reacted to these events is the right way. I do not believe there is a right or wrong way to grieve. This is the path I took and everyone must find their own path. I did what I thought at the time was best for me and it wasn't always what was best for those around me. That's what my siblings did too and eventually we all came out on the other side of the grief to live full and successful lives.

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Wednesday Evening of Spring Break 95

Later on Wednesday -- Journal entry to Andy

Dad's back.  Everything is done. She's gone.  The people here are helping immensely.  They are going to pay for our supper and have it delivered.  I've called your house 10 times. I'm going to need you a lot here for a while.  I'm going to call you mom some more until I can get a hold of her.  I love you!

I remember that my Mom's brother (Scott) and his family were vacationing in Daytona for Spring Break so they came to the resort to see us.  I remember Nathan crying and my cousin Zach who must have been all of 13 or 14 years old at the time hugging and consoling Nathan.  It was so touching to me to see such young boys dealing with something so hard in such a mature and loving way.  

I remember that Disney paid our long distance phone bill so I didn't have to limit my time on the phone to everyone back home.  They got us pizza for dinner and we had a picnic on the floor of our room.  It was such a blur and so long ago, but yet I remember so many details like it was yesterday.  
I think now that my Dad and Aunt were back with us and my family was there we distracted ourselves from the incredible tragedy that had just occurred.  We now had to focus on getting home and logistics of getting Mom home.  We were just numb from the last 48 hours and were going on adrenaline to deal with the arrangements and to dos that were ahead.  We didn't give much thought to the fact that she was gone and what life would be like from this point forward.

It was so hard to fathom that this vacation that my Mom had worked so hard to plan had taken such a tragic turn.  Walt Disney World, the happiest place on earth, was anything but.  I couldn't imagine ever returning to this place that would hold such horrible memories for me.
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