About the Blog

Many may wonder why after 20 years, I have chosen to share something so personal and that happened so long ago. I am sharing this because at the time I felt very alone and if these words would help someone else not feel so alone then that's worth my opening up about this time of my life. I also want to document these events and thoughts for my own two sons so that they have an account of why their Mom was so adamant that they always know how much I loved them. I also share this as a therapeutic release for myself on this twentieth anniversary.

This blog will not likely be an ongoing dialogue, but it may take me a year to share all that I experienced and how I processed the impact of this event for years to come. It still affects how I live my life today and will always shape the way I see the world.

I don't share these stories to ask for sympathy or for anyone to feel sorry for me. Sometimes life sucks and is hard and everyone experiences that in life. I don't feel my life has been any worse or any different that anyone else's. I do ask for prayers, not for myself specifically, but for all those dealing with the loss of loved ones. Pray that they may find the courage and strength to allow themselves to grieve for their loss and continue to live a life full of love and happiness as time passes by.

I was not a perfect daughter, sister, friend, or girlfriend at any point in my life much less during one of the most difficult times. I do not believe the way I grieved and reacted to these events is the right way. I do not believe there is a right or wrong way to grieve. This is the path I took and everyone must find their own path. I did what I thought at the time was best for me and it wasn't always what was best for those around me. That's what my siblings did too and eventually we all came out on the other side of the grief to live full and successful lives.

Saturday, May 9, 2015

Mother's Day

With Mother's Day approaching, I thought I would reflect on several things that stand out for me about this holiday.  First my Mom's birthday is May 8th, so every year we celebrated both her birthday and Mother's Day together.  We always made a card in CCD and I always added Happy Birthday to it.  I always remember my mother fondly on this day, but somehow I have also been able to make this day about honoring her and not very focused on mourning her.  I mourn her on the anniversary of her death.  I celebrate and remember her on Mother's Day.



We have started a family tradition with the boys of taking flowers to Grandma Patty's grave on this day.  The boys have regularly visited the cemetery from time they were born.  The first time we took Lucas he just sat right down in front of the correct headstone and touched it, like he was drawn to this spot in the cemetery.  It was a very touching moment.

I have been blessed with many wonderful women in my life who collectively have filled in the role of Mother in my life over the years.  One of these women is my mother-in-law, Kay.  I thought I would take this opportunity to share some memories and thoughts on my Mom's interactions with my mother-in-law.

I'm sure my Mom had no idea when I was 17 years old who I might marry one day.  My mom and dad dated in high school and were married a couple of years after graduation, so maybe my mom felt like there was a high chance that Andy was the one.  My first memory of my Mom looking for Kay to help take care of me was far before her passing or even Andy or I dating.  In Jr. High, Andy and I both qualified to take the SAT as part of a Gifted and Talented study or something.  Both of our mom's drove us to UE to take the test.  I had seen Andy and his mom walking in ahead of us and pointed them out to Mom.  Mom got sick just as we arrived and was unable to help me get signed in and figure out where I was supposed to go.  Being my first time on campus and already being stressed about taking the SAT as a 13 year old, I got a little worried.  Mom suggested I go find Andy and Kay and see if they could help me. I found them and Kay got me all settled in.  At the time I didn't give it much thought at all, but now is seems a little symbolic.

I found out shortly after Andy and I were engaged, that Kay and my Mom had ran into each other at the grocery shortly before our Spring Break trip.  I think at the time Kay was a little worried that Andy and I were a little too serious and expressed some of that concern to my Mom. Mom responded with the idea that maybe they will break up, go to college and live a little and then get back together a few years later and it will all work out.  Amazingly enough that's exactly what happened.  Kay never shared that story with me, until after Andy and I were engaged.  I'm sure my mom didn't know she was going to die, but it's like she already could see the path my life would take.

Shortly before Mom's death, I had been invited to a dinner to honor local high school math students at UE.  My mom was very excited and was looking forward to going.  The dinner was after Spring Break and I was ready to bail.  Kay stepped in again and she and Andy went to the banquet with me.  Kay started stepping in for my Mom immediately and continued to do so even when I wasn't dating her son.  She has always treated and loved me as one of her own and I was grateful all the way back to jr high through today.  Kay will never replace my mother nor has she ever tried, but she has supported me and stepped in when she has been able to make that hole in my life a little smaller.



Mother's Day is also very special to me for another reason.  This is the day that I started my journey as a mother.  I struggled with fertility issues while trying to conceive Lucas.  After 2 years of struggles, we had a successful IVF cycle in 2008.  Our egg retrieval was on Mother's Day.  I felt my mother's presence and prayers very strongly on that day, more so that any other in the last 20 years. It was very symbolic that our little Lucas was formed on that day.  It was on that Mother's Day that my mom and Kay became Grandmothers and I a mother.

So today, I remember the smiling woman who has amazed me even after her death with her insight into my future, her presence in my life, and the gift that she will always be to me. I also honor my mother in law who not only blessed me with her son, but has also been a constant presence and blessing to my life for the last 30+ years and who continues to be a blessing to our family.



Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Back to Normal

With the funeral over, we stayed home a couple of more days and returned to school.  Life was supposed to go back to normal.  We were back in the groove of practices, homework, and chores, but there was little in my life that felt normal.  Being in school did feel comforting and focusing on my school work was a good distraction from all that was going on in my head.

At the same time, it felt very far from normal.  I felt like everyone now looked at me as the girl whose Mom died.  I felt like they were all just looking for signs that I wasn't handling it well or waiting for me to have a break down.  I felt like people were tip toeing around me not knowing how to act or what to say.

I felt like everyone else's lives did go back to normal.  My friends had grieved with me and processed what had happened and were now moving forward.  Their lives were back to normal.  I thought most of our family probably did the same.  I say this not referring to my siblings or dad, but our extended family. (This seems absurd to me now to think that anyone in my family just went back to normal after her death, but it's what I assumed at the time.) All these years later, I now know this wasn't true at all.   In recent days since I have started this blog, I have had several family members reach out to me letting me know how much they were affected by my Mom's passing and how it took them years to come to terms with it.  Amazing as it sounds, 20 years later and I'm just realizing I'm not the only one that took years to process this. Even today, I find great comfort in this.

I have a relatively big extended family and I would consider us close, especially 20 years ago.  I saw my grandparents and a lots of my aunts, uncles, and cousins weekly growing up and we lived nearby each other.  We have regularly shared stories about my Mom, talked about how much we miss her, but never did we talk about how her death made us feel, how we handled the days, weeks, months following her death, or how it stills affects us today.  I will be honest I never discussed these things with my siblings or father either.  Mom was spoken of often, our feelings however were not.

I never brought it up to anyone because I never wanted to make anyone sad.  I never wanted to bring someone down if they were doing well with it.  I never wanted to let anyone know how sad I was.  Now that I have more insight into how much it affected my entire family, I wish I had brought it up.  I wish we could have been shoulders for each other to cry on and helped each other through it instead of me feeling so alone.  I have no doubt that any and all of my family members would have totally been there for me. As nice as it sounds to have been able to lean on each other. I also know that I just didn't have the courage to face the emotions that I was trying so hard to keep bottled up inside at that time.  And years later when I was ready, I erroneously assumed they had all moved on.

Ironically, my mom had never discussed with me how her mother's death affected her or how she had handled it.  I knew about my grandma and how she died, but have no recollection of Mom ever talking about her feelings related to her mom.  Now was that because this conversation topic just never came up in my 17 years of life or was it something she didn't want to discuss?  I will never know.  I wish I had known how she felt.  I think it may have helped me at the time.  This is yet another reason why I'm writing this blog, so that if my two boys ever face this same or a similar struggle they might not feel so alone.  They will not feel like everyone else's lives have just gone back to normal.