Well, graduation finally came and it was my first big milestone without my Mom there as I had always pictured. The fact that she wouldn't be there to see me graduate, to see me get married, to see my have my children, became a true reality. I was saying good bye to life as I knew it. My comfort zone was leaving me whether I wanted it to or not. I would not be in this school, with these friends, and these teachers on a day to day basis again. I was supposed to be happy about this, but in my mind just one more thing was drastically changing and it was totally out of my control.
I wrote my speech and for the first time was so nervous about whether or not I would be able to make it through it. I had given lots of speeches over the years, but this one was different. This one was a speech that I would give during a very emotional event. My speech was about how our class was exceptional unique and about how proud I was that we were different. It also expressed how much it meant to me to have all of my friends with me through the ups and downs of life.
Andy and I walked together at graduation and sat in the front row. Andy was pretty emotional, (which is one of the things I love about him), so I knew I couldn't look at him during my speech. My friend Sean was an emotional rock that day, so he had agreed to be someone I could look at during my speech if I started to break down. I was doing great with my speech until I came to the part about the ups and down of life and my voice cracked and my eyes started to fill with tears. I looked up Sean was the giving me the look to pull it together. I continued and was able to finish. I breathed a huge sigh of relief and returned to hugs and congratulations from Andy and those around me. I had a lot of people tell me that day that my Mom would have been proud, and I appreciated everyone who told me that. I was proud in that moment, proud of reaching my goals, proud of making it through my speech, and proud of the friendships that I had made. I felt my mom with me that day and deep down I felt her pride for me as well.
A historical record of my memories, thoughts, and feelings regarding my mother's sudden death in March 1995.
About the Blog
Many may wonder why after 20 years, I have chosen to share something so personal and that happened so long ago. I am sharing this because at the time I felt very alone and if these words would help someone else not feel so alone then that's worth my opening up about this time of my life. I also want to document these events and thoughts for my own two sons so that they have an account of why their Mom was so adamant that they always know how much I loved them. I also share this as a therapeutic release for myself on this twentieth anniversary.
This blog will not likely be an ongoing dialogue, but it may take me a year to share all that I experienced and how I processed the impact of this event for years to come. It still affects how I live my life today and will always shape the way I see the world.
I don't share these stories to ask for sympathy or for anyone to feel sorry for me. Sometimes life sucks and is hard and everyone experiences that in life. I don't feel my life has been any worse or any different that anyone else's. I do ask for prayers, not for myself specifically, but for all those dealing with the loss of loved ones. Pray that they may find the courage and strength to allow themselves to grieve for their loss and continue to live a life full of love and happiness as time passes by.
I was not a perfect daughter, sister, friend, or girlfriend at any point in my life much less during one of the most difficult times. I do not believe the way I grieved and reacted to these events is the right way. I do not believe there is a right or wrong way to grieve. This is the path I took and everyone must find their own path. I did what I thought at the time was best for me and it wasn't always what was best for those around me. That's what my siblings did too and eventually we all came out on the other side of the grief to live full and successful lives.
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