I graduated college feeling strong and happy with where my life was headed. I hadn't dated much in college because I needed that time to just be alone and deal with all the emotions that I suppressed. I got a great job programming at Keller Schroeder and was able to continue teaching dance. I had reached another milestone without my Mom here, but I knew she was smiling down from heaven on me and watching out for me as she always had.
Andy graduated from Purdue and moved out to Boston. I had stayed close with his family but had not had regular communication with him. He came back to visit for our 5 year class reunion. We hung out and took the obligatory walk down memory lane that always happens at class reunions. Needless to say to say a few months later, he moved home and we were dating again. We were engaged and married within 15 months of him being back. Throughout our lives there have been moments when my Mom's presence has been felt.
In 2011, a close friend of ours, Shawn, that had been there with us in high school during my Mom's death, called and he invited us and the boys to go to Disney World with him and his wife. They are both Disney fanatics and some of the party travelling with them had cancelled so they had room in their villa. I wasn't sure I ever wanted to go back to Disney, but this was a great time to go with our 2 and 3 year olds and be with a friend that totally understood what a big step this was for me.
Andy was great and patient and he gets just as excited as a little kid about Disney. We went and I was able to just enjoy my family. I got emotional when we started to walk up to Big Thunder Mountain. This roller coaster was my memory of my Mom here. I was walking up to ride with Lucas. Adam wasn't tall enough so it was just the two of us. I told him that Grandma Patty had brought me here once and this was her first roller coaster ride. It was going to be his first as well. As tears started to roll down my cheeks, he grabbed my hand and said, "Mom, I love you!" It was a perfect moment. I was able to take just a minute to process that great tragedy that had happened the last time I was hear, but I was able to know that my Mom would want me here making memories with her grandsons and filling their lives with happiness. That's exactly what we did for the week we were there and it felt so good to honor her memory instead of feel that extreme sadness that I had struggled with all those years before.
The boys still don't know that Grandma Patty died while we were at Disney World, but they do know that Mom talks about her when we are there because it brings back the memories of that roller coaster ride. We visit Disney regularly now. Not because of my Mom, but because my boys love it and our little family of four just loves to immerse ourselves in the magic and child like wonder that comes with Disney. At this point in our lives it's our get away and I would have never guessed that I would ever heal enough to find joy in the place where that tragedy occurred, but with time and healing anything is possible.
A historical record of my memories, thoughts, and feelings regarding my mother's sudden death in March 1995.
About the Blog
Many may wonder why after 20 years, I have chosen to share something so personal and that happened so long ago. I am sharing this because at the time I felt very alone and if these words would help someone else not feel so alone then that's worth my opening up about this time of my life. I also want to document these events and thoughts for my own two sons so that they have an account of why their Mom was so adamant that they always know how much I loved them. I also share this as a therapeutic release for myself on this twentieth anniversary.
This blog will not likely be an ongoing dialogue, but it may take me a year to share all that I experienced and how I processed the impact of this event for years to come. It still affects how I live my life today and will always shape the way I see the world.
I don't share these stories to ask for sympathy or for anyone to feel sorry for me. Sometimes life sucks and is hard and everyone experiences that in life. I don't feel my life has been any worse or any different that anyone else's. I do ask for prayers, not for myself specifically, but for all those dealing with the loss of loved ones. Pray that they may find the courage and strength to allow themselves to grieve for their loss and continue to live a life full of love and happiness as time passes by.
I was not a perfect daughter, sister, friend, or girlfriend at any point in my life much less during one of the most difficult times. I do not believe the way I grieved and reacted to these events is the right way. I do not believe there is a right or wrong way to grieve. This is the path I took and everyone must find their own path. I did what I thought at the time was best for me and it wasn't always what was best for those around me. That's what my siblings did too and eventually we all came out on the other side of the grief to live full and successful lives.
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