I know my last post kinda skipped over my whole senior year, but I definitely wanted to touch base on a few thoughts I have on that.
I am a goal setter and planner and I always have been. My mom and I had many talks about what college I should go to and why. I was down to deciding between UE and USI. Both had a good Business School for my Accounting degree. UE had a more notable dance team, but was a private school and the tuition would be high. USI we found out offered a full ride scholarship to all Valedictorians and Salutatorians including room and board, called the Presidential Scholarship.
So I set a goal of being in the TOP 2 of my class. This goal was important to me for a couple of reasons. I really wanted to speak at my graduation ceremony and I knew being in the TOP 2 would allow me to do that. Secondly, the Presidential Scholarship was too good to pass up.
So I kept this goal in mind my entire high school career but it was even more in my mind throughout my Senior Year. I felt like if I didn't end up in the TOP 2 that I was letting my Mom down, since this was a goal we had set together. Now looking back this was a ridiculous pressure to put on myself, because as mother now, I realize that my Mom would have been proud of me regardless. At the time I would have felt like a complete failure if I wasn’t in the TOP 2. My teachers were well aware of my goal and if I got in danger of getting a B they all gave me plenty of notice in order to get my grade back up.
When it came time to apply for the scholarship I got a huge shock, they were changing the requirements. Now instead of all qualified students getting the scholarship, only 10 students would be awarded the scholarship each year. You still had to be a Valedictorian or Salutatorian to apply, but now you had to write an essay and go through an interview process. I didn't think there was anyway I would be chosen as one of the 10 and I would be letting down my Mom.
I was not someone looking for sympathy nor did I ever want to use my situation to gain favor in life. I still feel very strongly about this, but the stars aligned and I had no choice. The essay topic was, "If you could talk to someone dead or alive who would it be and why?" I struggled with whether or not I honestly answer this question or I just make something up. Did I really want to expose myself in this way on a scholarship essay? But only one thing came to mind every time I tried to write my essay. So I wrote about my mom. I really wish I still had a copy of it today, because I have no recollection of what I wrote.
I got the schedule for the interview and was hit with another blow. My interview was on the 1st anniversary of my Mom's death. The very day, really?? So here I was dealing with the emotion of it being the 1st anniversary, and I would have to face my first ever scholarship interview and in my mind, my whole scholarship was relying on this single interview. Not to mention I also scheduled my first job interview for this same day. No pressure! So again I just tried to suppress everything and not feel. Looking back, I could have used Queen Elsa's theme song at the time!
Well, since I had written about my Mom in my essay they asked about her and I had to tell them what day it was. I'm pretty sure I got teary in my interview and I'm also pretty sure the interviewers may have shed a couple of tears as well. That's all I really remember about the interview. My job interview was great and I immediately knew that I just adored my new boss, Karen. In the end I got the scholarship and I got the job, so I will always feel like my Mom was with me on that day. I feel like I was meant to get that scholarship and I was meant to open up to that Scholarship Committee because the essay topic and date of the interview were all pointing me in that direction. I also finished my high school career as Salutatorian of my class. I felt like I had accomplished what my Mom and I had set as goals so many months before and I could know that I had made her proud although she was not here for me to celebrate with. I still was crying on a daily basis over the sadness I still felt so strongly over my mom's death. But even though that I still felt great pride and joy in these accomplishments.
A historical record of my memories, thoughts, and feelings regarding my mother's sudden death in March 1995.
About the Blog
Many may wonder why after 20 years, I have chosen to share something so personal and that happened so long ago. I am sharing this because at the time I felt very alone and if these words would help someone else not feel so alone then that's worth my opening up about this time of my life. I also want to document these events and thoughts for my own two sons so that they have an account of why their Mom was so adamant that they always know how much I loved them. I also share this as a therapeutic release for myself on this twentieth anniversary.
This blog will not likely be an ongoing dialogue, but it may take me a year to share all that I experienced and how I processed the impact of this event for years to come. It still affects how I live my life today and will always shape the way I see the world.
I don't share these stories to ask for sympathy or for anyone to feel sorry for me. Sometimes life sucks and is hard and everyone experiences that in life. I don't feel my life has been any worse or any different that anyone else's. I do ask for prayers, not for myself specifically, but for all those dealing with the loss of loved ones. Pray that they may find the courage and strength to allow themselves to grieve for their loss and continue to live a life full of love and happiness as time passes by.
I was not a perfect daughter, sister, friend, or girlfriend at any point in my life much less during one of the most difficult times. I do not believe the way I grieved and reacted to these events is the right way. I do not believe there is a right or wrong way to grieve. This is the path I took and everyone must find their own path. I did what I thought at the time was best for me and it wasn't always what was best for those around me. That's what my siblings did too and eventually we all came out on the other side of the grief to live full and successful lives.
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