Wednesday -- Journal entry to Andy
Good Morning! I told Nathan and he took it better than I thought. His first comment after he calmed down was she's not going to see my play. I told him that both of us would be there and Mom would see it just not from the audience. I told him Mom would see everything we do from heaven. I know she will be in a better place and I have to keep reminding myself of that.
Right now, I don't know if she is alive or not. It's about 8 o'clock in the morning and I don't know if she made it through the night or if she died already and I don't know when they will unplug her.
Nathan did want to see her. I just don't think that would have been a good idea. Dad wouldn't have wanted to watch him see her. We all feel that Dad made a brave decision. It wouldn't have been fair to Mom or us to let her live off of machines. He made the right decision. I thought a lot last night and I am feeling much better. The funeral will be really hard, but I think we'll be alright after a while.
I have written so much that I really don't have anything else to write. So I'll go if I find out anything I'll let you know. I Love You!!
This conversation with Nathan was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life still to this day. Nathan had been preparing for his school play, which was a rite of passage for 6th graders in our school. He had such an honest reaction. He wanted her here to see him in that play, to see him grow up, and to be with him as he lived his life. That's what we all wanted.
I think he wanted to see her in the hospital partially because he had not seen her the morning she was taken to the hospital. He hadn't see her acting like she was trapped her body with no control of her movements, thoughts, and sounds. I just hoped that one day he would understand why I had made the decision that I did.
We never once questioned our Dad's decision to remove her from life support. We discussed it together the three of us before Dad returned and we all felt this was the right decision.
I think the reason I felt better was because there wasn't as much unknown. I knew she was going to die so now I could start to plan, like I still do when faced with adversity. I didn't really feel better and I had no idea what pain would lie ahead, but at least I knew what was going to happen next. I also remember thinking that my Mom had lost her mother and she hadn't sat around feeling sorry for herself, she picked up and moved on, so that must be what we were supposed to do too. I clearly at the time had no idea how my Mom had coped with the death of her mother, but this was my rationale.
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