As Andy and I finished up our Junior year and weekend date nights changed quite a bit. We regularly went grocery shopping, took Nathan shopping for clothes, and he helped me clean the house as well. He taught me even back then some cooking tips and I started marinating chicken instead of always making it plain. Andy never complained about these activities although we both knew it wasn't normal date nights for two 17 year olds.
I started to struggle with our relationship as well. I knew that I loved Andy and I wanted to be with him, but I had a hard time determining if I was in love with him and if a relationship was what I wanted at the time. We had a two week period over the summer when we were apart because Andy had a week at ISU for Boys State and I was at ISU the following week for Girls State. My week away was extremely tough. I was with a whole bunch of girls who didn't know me and didn't know what had happened. We sat down the first day and started singing songs. We sang "You are my Sunshine" and I just broke out in tears because my Mom used to sing that song to me as a child. I didn't want to talk to these girls about my Mom and all I wanted was to be around people who I was comfortable with and who knew me.
It was also during these two weeks that I realized that I wanted my relationship with Andy to continue. I wanted to experience my Senior year of high school with him as my boyfriend, but I also realized that I just didn't have any more capacity to feel anything. It wasn't that I didn't love him, but that I didn't have any energy or room to feel anything for him beyond missing my mom and the grief that I was privately dealing with. When we both returned from ISU, I told him this and we agreed to keep trying and hope that this would get better. Let's be honest, Andy is a great and thoughtful guy and who is going to break up with a girl after her mom dies. So we were both stuck, wanting to be with each other, but not really sure all at the same time.
I don't want it to sound like we were miserable. We enjoyed our Senior year. We enjoyed our time together and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Andy had a great ability to make me laugh, to take me to have fun, and to make me feel loved. I didn't feel alone with him. We were involved in lots of things together and truly enjoyed each others company. I cherish the memories of our high school days together.
Things got more strained as we finished up our Senior year. Andy was looking forward to going to Purdue and living a "normal" college life. I was putting down more and more roots here and preparing to move to campus but felt like I needed to stay very close for my siblings. About mid-Summer after graduation, Andy and I decided it was time to separate. I will be honest I was still in a place with no ability to feel much of anything for anyone and he was losing patience with me and I knew it. So it was the right time and right thing to do in order for neither of us to be holding the other back from doing what they needed to do. Andy needed that normal college experience and not feel like he was abandoning me in a time of need and I needed some time alone to grieve and not feel like I was pulling anyone down.
I sometimes wonder how things may or may not have been different for Andy and I had my Mom not died. When I go down that path, I quickly come to the realization that it doesn't matter. The what ifs are a waste of time, because what happened was reality and we both did the best we could at the time with the circumstances. We both tried to also do what we felt was best for the other and in the end that was all we could do. I don't regret any of the decisions we made and I feel very blessed to have Andy by my side during my entire Senior Year.
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