Thursday of Spring Break 95

Thursday -- Journal entry to Andy

We are on our way home. I'm worried about you.  I want you to know that my mom thought of you like a son and she loved you very much.  I hadn't thought about it before but this is a loss for you too.  I think you considered Mom kinda like your 2nd Mom. She is in a much better place now.
Frank called us.  He has check on the house and wanted to know what he could do.  Your Mom is great! I can't believe all my friends were at your house.  It helped me so much to talk to Sean,
Carolyn, Sarah, Chris, and Jamie. Sean promised to help with Nathan, Jamie was going to call some of Dena's friends, Sarah promised to pray for me, Carolyn was going to talk to Coach Bland for me, Chris promised to help, too.  I have the best friends in the world. I couldn't ask for more.  I was afraid they would feel too awkward to talk to me about it. They were all very brave. Their support will help us so much.
I think everyone has been notified. All my friends will find out.  The only one's I'm not sure about are Chris McNeely and Greg Brown.  I sent both of them postcards at the beginning of my trip. 

I just need you to be here for me to talk to.  I need you to listen to me talk about Mom and the problems that are going to arise.  I'm here to listen to you, too.  I know this will be hard for you too. Together we can make it through anything. I know you don’t know what to say and I don't know what you could say to make me feel better. The only thing you can say that will me is, I love you! That's what I need to hear.  I'm going to try to sleep!

I clearly when into oldest child mode and started taking care of everyone else.  I was worried about Andy and my siblings and my Dad.  I was worried about  my friends and how awkward this would be for them.  I'm also a person who is great at delegating, as you can see I gave each one of my friends a job and way to feel helpful.    I was overwhelmed by the kindness and support of not only my close group of friends but also all my friends.  They were all together when I called.  They all already knew and were trying to figure out how to help.  Frank is a local police officer whom I considered a second father.  He was there to support me and help me when I needed it. He believed in me and was a big cheerleader of mine.  The fact that he would check on our house and call to check on us was incredibly thoughtful. In the chaos of all my crazy thoughts of the past days, I had never imagined the outpouring of love and support that we would receive. 

I also remember that I had called Andy the previous evening.  He was going to fly home early to be with me.  Andy's dad had broken the news to him, but when his dad said, Carrie's mom has died.  He misunderstood and thought that his Dad was  referring to his sister, Carrie and in some backward way telling him his own mother had died.  Once they got it all straightened out, Andy realized what was going on.  They told the airline that Andy's mother-in-law had died in order to get priority on switching flights.  I was touched that he would cut his vacation short to be with me, but I really wanted him with me.  

Wednesday Evening of Spring Break 95

Later on Wednesday -- Journal entry to Andy

Dad's back.  Everything is done. She's gone.  The people here are helping immensely.  They are going to pay for our supper and have it delivered.  I've called your house 10 times. I'm going to need you a lot here for a while.  I'm going to call you mom some more until I can get a hold of her.  I love you!

I remember that my Mom's brother (Scott) and his family were vacationing in Daytona for Spring Break so they came to the resort to see us.  I remember Nathan crying and my cousin Zach who must have been all of 13 or 14 years old at the time hugging and consoling Nathan.  It was so touching to me to see such young boys dealing with something so hard in such a mature and loving way.  

I remember that Disney paid our long distance phone bill so I didn't have to limit my time on the phone to everyone back home.  They got us pizza for dinner and we had a picnic on the floor of our room.  It was such a blur and so long ago, but yet I remember so many details like it was yesterday.  
I think now that my Dad and Aunt were back with us and my family was there we distracted ourselves from the incredible tragedy that had just occurred.  We now had to focus on getting home and logistics of getting Mom home.  We were just numb from the last 48 hours and were going on adrenaline to deal with the arrangements and to dos that were ahead.  We didn't give much thought to the fact that she was gone and what life would be like from this point forward.

It was so hard to fathom that this vacation that my Mom had worked so hard to plan had taken such a tragic turn.  Walt Disney World, the happiest place on earth, was anything but.  I couldn't imagine ever returning to this place that would hold such horrible memories for me.

Wednesday Morning of Spring Break 95

Wednesday -- Journal entry to Andy

Good Morning!  I told Nathan and he took it better than I thought.  His first comment after he calmed down was she's not going to see my play.  I told him that both of us would be there and Mom would see it just not from the audience.  I told him Mom would see everything we do from heaven.  I know she will be in a better place and I have to keep reminding myself of that.

Right now, I don't know if she is alive or not.  It's about 8 o'clock in the morning and I don't know if she made it through the night or if she died already and I don't know when they will unplug her.
Nathan did want to see her. I just don't think that would have been a good idea. Dad wouldn't have wanted to watch him see her.  We all feel that Dad made a brave decision. It wouldn't have been fair to Mom or us to let her live off of machines.  He made the right decision. I thought a lot last night and I am feeling much better. The funeral will be really hard, but I think we'll be alright after a while. 
I have written so much that I really don't have anything else to write.  So I'll go if I find out anything I'll let you know.  I Love You!!

This conversation with Nathan was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life still to this day.  Nathan had been preparing for his school play, which was a rite of passage for 6th graders in our school.  He had such an honest reaction. He wanted her here to see him in that play, to see him grow up, and to be with him as he lived his life. That's what we all wanted.  

I think he wanted to see her in the hospital partially because he had not seen her the morning she was taken to the hospital.  He hadn't see her acting like she was trapped her body with no control of her movements, thoughts, and sounds.  I just hoped that one day he would understand why I had made the decision that I did.

 We never once questioned our Dad's decision to remove her from life support.  We discussed it together the three of us before Dad returned and we all felt this was the right decision.  
I think the reason I felt better was because there wasn't as much unknown. I knew she was going to die so now I could start to plan, like I still do when faced with adversity.  I didn't really feel better and I had no idea what pain would lie ahead, but at least I knew what was going to happen next. I also remember thinking that my Mom had lost her mother and she hadn't sat around feeling sorry for herself, she picked up and moved on, so that must be what we were supposed to do too.  I clearly at the time  had no idea how my Mom had coped with the death of her mother, but this was my rationale.  

Middle of the Night Tuesday of Spring Break 95

Middle of the night Tuesday -- Journal entry to Andy

I have horrible news. It's about 1:15 AM.  Pat just called.  He wanted to know if we wanted to see Mom.  He had spoke to Dad and Scott & Tammy (my other aunt and uncle) are in Daytona they are coming over.  Andy, my mom is brain dead and being kept alive by machines.  Her aneurysm is so deep in her brain they can't operate on it.  Dad told them not to revive her and in the morning they will pull the plug.  My mom is not going to make it. 

I told Dena and she seems fine.  How am I supposed to tell my 11 year old brother that his Mom who was fine yesterday is going to die tomorrow? In the morning, after I find out. I'm going to call you, I can't do this by myself. I need you to help me. I'm sorry, I tried to do this without you and I can't.  I'm so scared. I don't know what to do!  I'm 17 and I still need a Mom and so does Dena and Nathan. We all need her. How are we supposed to live without her?

Writing is making me think and that's making me more upset.  I have to go.  Love you! You can't forget that!

I remember this as Pat coming to get me and my Dad calling me in Pat's room to talk to me.  I think Pat prepped me with what was going on and then I talked to my Dad.  My Dad explained that my mom had her head shaved and was hooked up to many machines.  He explained she had tubes coming out of her head and she did not look like herself. I'm not sure if he was just trying to prepare me or talk me out of wanting to see her.  It didn't matter.  I felt like I had the memory of her I wanted and seeing her like that would just haunt us for a long time.  If she was brain dead then she wouldn't know we were there and we could say our goodbyes through prayer.  This would also be easier on my Dad too, he would not have to look into the faces of his children and watch them say goodbye to their mother.   I remember hanging up the phone after talking to Dad and bursting into tears.  I remember my uncle holding me in his arms and not saying a word.  I didn't need him to say anything I just needed to know that I wasn't alone.  I was so thankful for that hug and that moment when I finally let myself show someone how much I was hurting.  

I know I said in my journal that my sister seemed fine.  I'm sure she wasn't fine and my definition of fine was a little skewed at this point because clearly none of us were going to be fine.  She just needed to process her feelings her way just as I did mine.  I made the decision for all three of us and it's something that I would weigh heavily on me for a really long time.  I don't regret not going and I know that others may have made a different decision, but for me at that moment this was the right decision and I just had to hope my siblings would feel the same.  

Late Tuesday of Spring Break 95

Late night Tuesday -- Journal entry to Andy

They just called and said that they can't stop the bleeding.  Honey, that's not good.  They even said that it is not good!  What's going to happen to her?  It's been a really long time, she can't bleed that long.  Dad and Beth decided that she was so bad they were not going to come back.  They were earlier though, so she must have gotten worse.  I'm so scared.  I wish I could really talk to you, but I know it's better if I don't.

My Grandpa just died last year and that still bothers me.  I can't lose my mom.  I can't take this anymore .  If you really do read this,it probably won't make a whole lot of sense.  I'm just writing so fast because I have so many feelings and emotions.  I can't sort through them all.  I guess God has a lot of faith in me, because he thinks that I am really strong.  He has to when you think of the things that he has put me through.  I really believe in the power of prayer and I know that Mom did too.  I think if you could put together everyone's prayers that God will give her enough strength to survive.  God is the only person that can help her.  I know that Grandma Carolyn and Grandpa are in heaven praying for her, too.  My Grandma was taken away from me and I don't want my kids to go through that too.

Everyone is asleep and I'm sitting here crying and trying to write.  I have to believe that she will make it.  My mom has so much to live for.  I know she is excited about that banquet.  She wants to get me moved and see me go to prom and graduate and get married and have kids.  I have to think positively. I think maybe the best thing for me is sleep.  If you can sense that something is wrong, I hope you are praying that everything turns out for the best.  I love you so much. Dream about me!  I would say that I'd dream about you, but I'm scared all I'm going to dream about is Mom!  

I think that the reality of the situation is starting to sink in at this point.  My Grandmother (my Mom's mom) died at the age of 40 of colon cancer.  It was one year before I was born.  I so resented the fact that I never got to meet her.  I have heard such wonderful things about her and felt so cheated not to have her in my life for even a small amount of time.  My mom was 40 at this time and the irony was unreal.  My Grandpa (Mom's dad) had just died a year ago and I felt a lot of guilt about the fact that I had hung up on him the last time I spoke with him a few days before his death.  I had locked my keys in my car and had called his house looking for my Mom and when he said she wasn't there and was at my aunt's, I hung up immediately to catch her there before she left.  I never thought that would be my last interaction with him.  My aunt Pam had been hospitalized for various issues and had been in a coma for several months prior to this and I was just overwhelmed with all of these thing occurring in that year.  Now my mom was fighting for her life, when we were supposed to having a magical family vacation.  I clung to my faith and the hoped for miracle.

Tuesday Evening of Spring Break 95

Later on Tuesday -- Journal entry to Andy

Pat (my uncle) called Beth and they are waiting for another neurosurgeon to get there.  Dad and Beth are coming back tonight in about an hour.  I don’t think there has been any change in Mom's condition.  Cya.

I can't imagine how hard it was for my uncle to be in Disney with his daughters, nieces, and nephews through all of this.  He couldn't really take us to do stuff because we wanted to be near the phone (this was before cell phones) and we weren't really in the mood to have a magical time in Disney.  He had no one to talk to either so he must have felt quite helpless.  I do remember that some characters, Rafiki and the Beast, came by our rooms and my cousins were able to get their autograph. The girls were very smart and intuitive and I'm sure they knew something was happening but I don't know how much my uncle could even explain.  I was very thankful to have him there with us.

 Even later on Tuesday -- Journal entry to Andy

Nathan broke down tonight. He started crying and said he missed Mom.  I told him Mom would want him to have a good time.  He tries, but it's hard.  I'm trying to prepare him for the worst yet not scare him.  Do you know how hard it is?  I want him to think that there is a possibility that she might not make it.  So if she doesn't it will be easier for him.  But I don't want him to think that that's what is going to happen.  I don't know what to do.  

I remember this being the most heartbreaking part, being the communicator to my brother and sister.  My brother was 11, still in grade school and he was a mommy's boy.  They were very close and I knew it would break his heart to lose her.  My sister was 15 and more independent, but that didn't mean I didn't worry about her too.  I was the oldest so I felt a need to make this ok for them, but I had no idea how I was supposed to do that.

Tuesday Afternoon of Spring Break 95

Tuesday afternoon-- Journal to entry to Andy

I'm back, Mom did have a stroke and a blood vessel in her brain burst.  She is listed in very critical condition.  A neurosurgeon is going to look at her and they transferred her to a different hospital.  She is highly sedated and hasn't woke up yet. 

We went to Epcot and now we are at the beach.  We're not having a wonderful time.  Nathan took it kinda hard.  I'm really scared.  Mom may never be the same. I wonder if she knew last night when she went to sleep that she would never be the same again.  Do you know how much my life with change too?  Nothing will ever be the same. This morning when they took her, she wasn't moving her right side.  That really scares me. 

I don't think I'm going to call you.  I'll tell your Mom and she can tell you.  I want you to have a good trip.  I know when  you get back. I'm going to need your strength and support more than ever before.
I'm going to keep praying and hope God will pull my Mom through.  Bye!!

Later Tuesday -- Journal entry to Andy

They haven't called again and that worries me.  I don't know if it is good or bad.  I'm scared to death.  I can tell you that but I can't let it show.  I'm proud of how I have handled things so far.  I haven't cried since I wrote you this morning.  I kept us organized.

I don't know what scares me more the thought of my Mom dying or the thought of her never being the same.  I wish we knew how she was.  I keep thinking of all the things Mom was supposed to do in the next few weeks.  I don't know what's going to happen.  I don't even know if we are going to get to go home.

I think Mom would be better off at home around the people who care about her, the band boosters, people from church, her family, etc.  I don't really want to go see Mom.  Do you think that is awful?  I don't want to see her.  I have a wonderful memory of her now.  I don't want my memory to be of a
helpless person. When she gets better, I'll go see her, but not until then.  I guess maybe if you would go with me, I could go but that would be putting you in to a really odd position.  Even if we go home, I don't know where we will live.  They may not want us to stay home by ourselves.  I don't know what's going on.

This is a time when I'm going to need all my friends to help me out.  Even if it is just not getting mad if I snap at them or trying to help me laugh.  I'm going to need a lot of help. I believe that I can be really strong as long as I have my friends supporting me and as long as I can tell you my true feelings and you will stand by my side and listen to me.  You have done this through all my little problems, but this one is not so little.  Once I get a chance to talk to my dad, I will see if I can call your mom. 

You have had a lot to worry about your grandma, the musical, etc.  You need a week off with no worries, before you are faced with this.  I will try to make it as easy on you as possible.  I need you to make me laugh and make Dena and Nathan laugh, too.  I have to look out for them, too.  I have to make sure that Nathan gets out and has fun.  I need to make sure he gets to a track meet and maybe Sean can take him driving.  Maybe you could show him how to do something on the computer.  I don't know what to do with Dena. She just needs to be with her friends.  I don’t know if you can help me come up with stuff to make them feel better.  I'm watching the Simpsons.  I will go for now.

I read these entries and at first I felt bad that I was worried about her not being the same and not wanting to see her.  I even considered editing those out and then I realized that in this moment and in these journal entries I was just pouring out my thoughts as fast as my hands could write.  When faced with a crisis you have thoughts and your mind takes you places that may not be the place you want to go or even your true feelings and that's natural.  I was trying to process it all and was scared.  Every daughter no matter her age  would be worried about how things will change when being faced with her mother's death.  No daughter wants to imagine her mother as anything less that the beautiful woman that raised her.  This is natural not something to be ashamed of.  It doesn't mean that I wasn't thinking of my mother and what she is going through. It was pure fear talking in these moments. 

This is also where I started formalizing my plan for how I was going to deal with this.  I kept us organized during the day, and I'm sure my uncle just loved that.  I had a plan for taking care of my brother and sister and all the help I would need from my friends. I had a plan for Andy to help me and I would try to not impose on him too much.   I had a plan and that was making me feel just a little bit better.  I was playing all the scenarios through my head : coming home without my parents, not coming home, every scenario except the one that played out.

Early Morning Tuesday of Spring Break 95

Tuesday early morning -- journal entry to Andy
Something horrible has happened.  Last night around 4 AM my mom started snoring really loud and really weirdly.  We couldn't get her to wake up though, but she quieted down.  Then she started moving her one arm and leg up and down.  Then she stopped that and I tried to go back to sleep.  Then  mom said "Help me!"  We all just thought she was dreaming. At 6 AM she started screaming and we couldn't get her to wake up. 

Normally, Mom wakes up when you say her name. She wouldn't wake up.  I had been thinking about Rachel Alonzo's Mom who had died of a stroke.  Just when I thought that Dad said she might have had a stroke. The took her to the hospital by ambulance.  Her heart rate was fine, her pupils were fine, and her breathing was too. They said she had probably had a stroke.

Andy, I tried to be strong, but I couldn't.  Nathan slept through most of it and when he woke up we took him to Beth's room before he could tell what was going on.  I need you’re here to help me.  I was going to call you, I will probably call your Mom when we find out what's wrong.  I may not call at all, I want you to have a good time in Colorado. I don't want you to worry. Mom wanted to come on this trip so bad. I can't imagine how we would live without her. I keep praying asking God to let her be fine. There is no way she is fine.  Something had definitely happened to her. 

I'm going to try to be strong.  I know I have to be for Nathan.  He doesn't really know what is going on. I really wish you were here, but I know you can't be. I wish I knew if I should call you or not. I know hearing your voice would make me feel so much better.  You could help lessen the pain I'm feeling.  Yet, what would you say? I would have no idea what to say to you.  I want you to have a wonderful Spring Break like mine was going to be.  I may call your Mom  and see what she thinks.I'm so scared. I don't know what to do. My mom is so important to me.

This is the only way I know how to deal with my problems is to write.  Write and cry is the only way I have ever gotten through anything.  Talking sometimes helps but who am I going to talk to?
Dad was crying as he left. His dad just had a stroke.  My mom reminded me of my Aunt Pam when she was sick.

The dinner show last night was really cool.  We went shopping and I got your sister some stickers, not much but I think she will like them.  I can't find anything for you.  Everything here has a Mickey on it and you wouldn't like that.

I'm holding my cow (stuff animal) and it makes me feel like a part of you is here. My mom's pretty strong I bet she'll be fine. 

I feel 100 times better after writing you. You don't have to be here as long as you are in my heart and in my mind I can pretend you have heard everything that I have said.  I'm much calmer now.  The hospital is supposed to call in 30 mins. I hope that time goes by quickly.  The first 90 minutes did. Dad was really upset, but he told me to be strong.  Rachel's mom's face keeps running through my mind.  Rachel is really strong to be able to handle what she did.  I'm going to go now, as soon as I find out something I'll write you I'm sure.

I know this entry was a lot of rambling, but that's what I remember.  Thousands of fleeting thoughts and feelings racing through my mind:  guilt, despair, hope, sadness, fear, love.  I felt guilt because I had been mad that she had woken me up with her "dream" at 4 AM.  I figured she was just dreaming about the roller coaster.  I felt guilt because we had all just gone back to sleep when she had needed our help.  I felt guilt because I had not been very excited about this trip and she was so excited for it and now it was turning into a nightmare.  I was so scared and had no idea what I was supposed to do.  My dad and aunt had gone to the hospital, so I was very thankful to have my uncle and cousins still at Disney with us.  

I was  a girl always with a plan, and I didn't know what to plan for next and that turned my world upside down.  All I could cling to was a stuffed cow Andy had given me for Christmas and hope and pray for the best.  I was a girl that applied logic to everything and I could find no logic in what was happening.  Notice I started to rationalize that calling Andy would just ruin his vacation and he wouldn't know what to say anyway.  I was also putting his feelings and trip first.  This was my reaction within the first two hours and it would continue for the next two years.  I don't want to bother anyone and I want to help everyone else first.  

On a side note, the doctors assured my Dad that the result would not have been any different had we taken Mom to the hospital at 4 AM when she first showed signs of something wrong and we just didn't realize.  So my guilt on this topic did ease after learning this.  

Monday of Spring Break 95

Monday -- journal entry to Andy

Today we went to Magic Kingdom.  It was pretty neat.  The girls (my cousins) really enjoyed it.  I'm so tired.  I don't event get up this early when I go to school.  Tonight we're supposed to go to a dinner show.  I personally would rather stay here and sleep.  I was supposed to get a chance to layout today but No, Dad wouldn't leave Magic Kingdom.  I got a little sun but not a lot.

A girl in front of me in one of the lines today ask me where I was from.  I told her Indiana and she said O.K. what school, then she answered for me.  She is a cheerleader from Memorial and she knew I was on the North Posey dance team.  She remembered me and said I was always smiling.  I guess my dancing does make an impression on some people.  Last night we went for a walk and it is so pretty and romantic here at night.  Every time I saw a couple walk by holding hands it makes me miss you more.  I really, really miss you! 

Well, after one day at Magic Kingdom, all I could tell Andy about was my tan or lack there of and a girl in line.  I think I was missing the point of this vacation.  However, looking back I have some treasured memories from this day.  This was the last day I ever spent with my Mom and because of that some simple moments are etched in my memory forever.  It's strange how what made an impression on me from that day changed so much just a few hours later.

I had gone to some other theme parks with friends  over the years and loved riding roller coasters.  So I convinced my entire family that we had to ride Big Thunder Mountain.  My mom had never been on a roller coaster and I think she was a little scared but she was all about having fun and making memories on this trip.  Since there were five of us, and I felt I was the most experienced roller coaster rider, I sat in front of everyone by myself.  My mom and sister Dena were behind me and my Dad and brother Nathan were behind them.  At one point in the ride I looked back and my Mom had the biggest smile on her face.  She was holding her glasses in her hand and white knuckling the bar in front of her, but she was having fun!  I thank God that I turned around at that moment.  That's the last memory I have of her and it's a great one!  That's the reason my boys refer to Big Thunder Mountain as Grandma Patty's first and favorite roller coaster.  That one split second that I will never forget!  I made sure it was both of my boys' first roller coaster rides as well and one day when they fully understand the impact of what that means I hope they will cherish that fact even more.

I do have some memories of the dinner show and the fact that we all enjoyed it a lot.  I remember riding the bus home late and Mom complaining of a headache, but she got headaches frequently so I didn't think much of it.

Sunday of Spring Break 95

We drove down to Florida in a rented van.  I knew my Mom was going all out if we were renting a minivan!  I worked on homework on the way down and wrote to Andy about where we ate, how much homework I got done, and how much I missed him.  I told him how being apart for the week was going to show us both how much we meant to each other. I know very corny, so typical 17 year old high school love stuff.

Sunday -- journal entry to Andy
We're here and this is awesome!  Our hotel is huge. We have our own balcony.  We're on the 5th floor.  The bathroom has a built in blow dryer and there is a phone next to the toilet.  I have a picture of the hotel to show you.  Right now it is 5:00 PM and I'm sitting out on the balcony, which overlooks a 25 acre lake.  I'm impressed! Mom picked a good place to stay. Everyone else went swimming.  I'm tired and it's too late to get a tan so I just stayed here.

We were staying at the Beach Club Resort and I have a postcard of it in my journal.  I was a little extra excited to be staying in this resort because there was a series on Disney Channel about the staff at the Beach Club starring Keri Russell, and it was one of my favorite after school shows.  You can tell I was selfish 17 year old teenager, more worried about her tan than being with her family, but I really was impressed by the bathroom!

Background

It's been 20 years since the vacation that changed my life forever.  I feel like it's time to share my memories, thoughts, and feelings from the time of my Mom's death.   I used to re-play every detail each Spring Break for several years following Mom's death, then I stopped, but this year on the 20th anniversary I feel it's time to revisit that week and the months following.  

I found my journal from our vacation and I will be using some excerpts from that to share my story along with my memories.  Now, my memories are 20 years old and from a time that was a real blur, so they may or may not be 100% accurate, but they are my memories so to me that's all that matters.  My journal ironically enough was written as a letter to Andy, my boyfriend at the time and now my husband.

Twenty years ago I was a typical 17 year old girl, an overachieving, type A, junior in high school.  I was dancing in the school musical, choreographing dance routines for a 6th grade play, playing softball,  tutoring a freshman in Math and working toward graduating the following year as Salutatorian.  I was goal oriented and very driven.  I also had a large group of close friends and loved being involved in all my activities.  I was dating a great guy named Andy, who I loved hanging out with. I loved his family and little sister and spent as much time with him as I could.  

I performed in our musical, "The Boyfriend" a couple of weeks prior to Spring Break.  I was a lead dancer and had no speaking parts, which was fine by me, because I loved to dance.  I remember being able to see my Mom and her sister, Beth, in the audience during one of my numbers and they both looked liked they were enjoying the show.  That was one of the only times I had ever been able to see my Mom while I was performing due to lighting and the fact that she was normally backstage watching me.  The memory of seeing her face watching me has stayed with me all these years, because it was the last time she would see me dance.  

I was relieved the musical was over because I had been splitting my time between dance practices and softball practices and it was wearing me out.  However I wasn't looking forward to Spring Break as much as I should have.  My family didn't do vacations.  We had gone on one when I was 7 years old.  We had driven to Florida and spent a few days in Walt Disney World and a few days on the beach.  I remember my grandparents going with us, but have no real memories of this trip.  My sister would have been 5 and my brother was 2.  So they have no memories of it either.  The 5 of us had not traveled anywhere together since.  I don't know if this was due to a lack of interest in going on vacation or more likely a lack of funds to go on vacation, but I never gave it much thought.  I didn't mind that we didn't do vacations.

Well this year, 1995, my Mom had planned a big family vacation.  She had gotten a little inheritance when her father passed away the prior year,  and she wanted us to go on a vacation before I went off for college.  She wanted to go all out, so she planned a partial Walt Disney World, partial beach vacation for the 5 of us (Mom, Dad, me, Dena - 14 years old, and Nathan - 11 years old) along with my aunt Beth, her husband and two daughters.  We were staying in a WDW resort and we doing character meals and dinner shows.  The whole Disney experience!  I was not thrilled.  My boyfriend was going to Colorado to go skiing, so I was not going to be with him.  We were going to Disney and I wasn't sure what to expect out of that, and I was tired and just didn't have a good feeling about this trip.  I knew it was important to my Mom so I was going to keep my dread to myself and see how it all played out.  I was excited my 5 year old and 3 year old cousins would be coming with us.