Middle of the night Tuesday -- Journal entry to Andy
I have horrible news. It's about 1:15 AM. Pat just called. He wanted to know if we wanted to see Mom. He had spoke to Dad and Scott & Tammy (my other aunt and uncle) are in Daytona they are coming over. Andy, my mom is brain dead and being kept alive by machines. Her aneurysm is so deep in her brain they can't operate on it. Dad told them not to revive her and in the morning they will pull the plug. My mom is not going to make it.
I told Dena and she seems fine. How am I supposed to tell my 11 year old brother that his Mom who was fine yesterday is going to die tomorrow? In the morning, after I find out. I'm going to call you, I can't do this by myself. I need you to help me. I'm sorry, I tried to do this without you and I can't. I'm so scared. I don't know what to do! I'm 17 and I still need a Mom and so does Dena and Nathan. We all need her. How are we supposed to live without her?
Writing is making me think and that's making me more upset. I have to go. Love you! You can't forget that!
I remember this as Pat coming to get me and my Dad calling me in Pat's room to talk to me. I think Pat prepped me with what was going on and then I talked to my Dad. My Dad explained that my mom had her head shaved and was hooked up to many machines. He explained she had tubes coming out of her head and she did not look like herself. I'm not sure if he was just trying to prepare me or talk me out of wanting to see her. It didn't matter. I felt like I had the memory of her I wanted and seeing her like that would just haunt us for a long time. If she was brain dead then she wouldn't know we were there and we could say our goodbyes through prayer. This would also be easier on my Dad too, he would not have to look into the faces of his children and watch them say goodbye to their mother. I remember hanging up the phone after talking to Dad and bursting into tears. I remember my uncle holding me in his arms and not saying a word. I didn't need him to say anything I just needed to know that I wasn't alone. I was so thankful for that hug and that moment when I finally let myself show someone how much I was hurting.
I know I said in my journal that my sister seemed fine. I'm sure she wasn't fine and my definition of fine was a little skewed at this point because clearly none of us were going to be fine. She just needed to process her feelings her way just as I did mine. I made the decision for all three of us and it's something that I would weigh heavily on me for a really long time. I don't regret not going and I know that others may have made a different decision, but for me at that moment this was the right decision and I just had to hope my siblings would feel the same.
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