About the Blog

Many may wonder why after 20 years, I have chosen to share something so personal and that happened so long ago. I am sharing this because at the time I felt very alone and if these words would help someone else not feel so alone then that's worth my opening up about this time of my life. I also want to document these events and thoughts for my own two sons so that they have an account of why their Mom was so adamant that they always know how much I loved them. I also share this as a therapeutic release for myself on this twentieth anniversary.

This blog will not likely be an ongoing dialogue, but it may take me a year to share all that I experienced and how I processed the impact of this event for years to come. It still affects how I live my life today and will always shape the way I see the world.

I don't share these stories to ask for sympathy or for anyone to feel sorry for me. Sometimes life sucks and is hard and everyone experiences that in life. I don't feel my life has been any worse or any different that anyone else's. I do ask for prayers, not for myself specifically, but for all those dealing with the loss of loved ones. Pray that they may find the courage and strength to allow themselves to grieve for their loss and continue to live a life full of love and happiness as time passes by.

I was not a perfect daughter, sister, friend, or girlfriend at any point in my life much less during one of the most difficult times. I do not believe the way I grieved and reacted to these events is the right way. I do not believe there is a right or wrong way to grieve. This is the path I took and everyone must find their own path. I did what I thought at the time was best for me and it wasn't always what was best for those around me. That's what my siblings did too and eventually we all came out on the other side of the grief to live full and successful lives.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Tuesday Evening of Spring Break 95

Later on Tuesday -- Journal entry to Andy

Pat (my uncle) called Beth and they are waiting for another neurosurgeon to get there.  Dad and Beth are coming back tonight in about an hour.  I don’t think there has been any change in Mom's condition.  Cya.

I can't imagine how hard it was for my uncle to be in Disney with his daughters, nieces, and nephews through all of this.  He couldn't really take us to do stuff because we wanted to be near the phone (this was before cell phones) and we weren't really in the mood to have a magical time in Disney.  He had no one to talk to either so he must have felt quite helpless.  I do remember that some characters, Rafiki and the Beast, came by our rooms and my cousins were able to get their autograph. The girls were very smart and intuitive and I'm sure they knew something was happening but I don't know how much my uncle could even explain.  I was very thankful to have him there with us.

 Even later on Tuesday -- Journal entry to Andy

Nathan broke down tonight. He started crying and said he missed Mom.  I told him Mom would want him to have a good time.  He tries, but it's hard.  I'm trying to prepare him for the worst yet not scare him.  Do you know how hard it is?  I want him to think that there is a possibility that she might not make it.  So if she doesn't it will be easier for him.  But I don't want him to think that that's what is going to happen.  I don't know what to do.  

I remember this being the most heartbreaking part, being the communicator to my brother and sister.  My brother was 11, still in grade school and he was a mommy's boy.  They were very close and I knew it would break his heart to lose her.  My sister was 15 and more independent, but that didn't mean I didn't worry about her too.  I was the oldest so I felt a need to make this ok for them, but I had no idea how I was supposed to do that.
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