About the Blog

Many may wonder why after 20 years, I have chosen to share something so personal and that happened so long ago. I am sharing this because at the time I felt very alone and if these words would help someone else not feel so alone then that's worth my opening up about this time of my life. I also want to document these events and thoughts for my own two sons so that they have an account of why their Mom was so adamant that they always know how much I loved them. I also share this as a therapeutic release for myself on this twentieth anniversary.

This blog will not likely be an ongoing dialogue, but it may take me a year to share all that I experienced and how I processed the impact of this event for years to come. It still affects how I live my life today and will always shape the way I see the world.

I don't share these stories to ask for sympathy or for anyone to feel sorry for me. Sometimes life sucks and is hard and everyone experiences that in life. I don't feel my life has been any worse or any different that anyone else's. I do ask for prayers, not for myself specifically, but for all those dealing with the loss of loved ones. Pray that they may find the courage and strength to allow themselves to grieve for their loss and continue to live a life full of love and happiness as time passes by.

I was not a perfect daughter, sister, friend, or girlfriend at any point in my life much less during one of the most difficult times. I do not believe the way I grieved and reacted to these events is the right way. I do not believe there is a right or wrong way to grieve. This is the path I took and everyone must find their own path. I did what I thought at the time was best for me and it wasn't always what was best for those around me. That's what my siblings did too and eventually we all came out on the other side of the grief to live full and successful lives.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Tuesday Afternoon of Spring Break 95

Tuesday afternoon-- Journal to entry to Andy

I'm back, Mom did have a stroke and a blood vessel in her brain burst.  She is listed in very critical condition.  A neurosurgeon is going to look at her and they transferred her to a different hospital.  She is highly sedated and hasn't woke up yet. 

We went to Epcot and now we are at the beach.  We're not having a wonderful time.  Nathan took it kinda hard.  I'm really scared.  Mom may never be the same. I wonder if she knew last night when she went to sleep that she would never be the same again.  Do you know how much my life with change too?  Nothing will ever be the same. This morning when they took her, she wasn't moving her right side.  That really scares me. 

I don't think I'm going to call you.  I'll tell your Mom and she can tell you.  I want you to have a good trip.  I know when  you get back. I'm going to need your strength and support more than ever before.
I'm going to keep praying and hope God will pull my Mom through.  Bye!!

Later Tuesday -- Journal entry to Andy

They haven't called again and that worries me.  I don't know if it is good or bad.  I'm scared to death.  I can tell you that but I can't let it show.  I'm proud of how I have handled things so far.  I haven't cried since I wrote you this morning.  I kept us organized.

I don't know what scares me more the thought of my Mom dying or the thought of her never being the same.  I wish we knew how she was.  I keep thinking of all the things Mom was supposed to do in the next few weeks.  I don't know what's going to happen.  I don't even know if we are going to get to go home.

I think Mom would be better off at home around the people who care about her, the band boosters, people from church, her family, etc.  I don't really want to go see Mom.  Do you think that is awful?  I don't want to see her.  I have a wonderful memory of her now.  I don't want my memory to be of a
helpless person. When she gets better, I'll go see her, but not until then.  I guess maybe if you would go with me, I could go but that would be putting you in to a really odd position.  Even if we go home, I don't know where we will live.  They may not want us to stay home by ourselves.  I don't know what's going on.

This is a time when I'm going to need all my friends to help me out.  Even if it is just not getting mad if I snap at them or trying to help me laugh.  I'm going to need a lot of help. I believe that I can be really strong as long as I have my friends supporting me and as long as I can tell you my true feelings and you will stand by my side and listen to me.  You have done this through all my little problems, but this one is not so little.  Once I get a chance to talk to my dad, I will see if I can call your mom. 

You have had a lot to worry about your grandma, the musical, etc.  You need a week off with no worries, before you are faced with this.  I will try to make it as easy on you as possible.  I need you to make me laugh and make Dena and Nathan laugh, too.  I have to look out for them, too.  I have to make sure that Nathan gets out and has fun.  I need to make sure he gets to a track meet and maybe Sean can take him driving.  Maybe you could show him how to do something on the computer.  I don't know what to do with Dena. She just needs to be with her friends.  I don’t know if you can help me come up with stuff to make them feel better.  I'm watching the Simpsons.  I will go for now.



I read these entries and at first I felt bad that I was worried about her not being the same and not wanting to see her.  I even considered editing those out and then I realized that in this moment and in these journal entries I was just pouring out my thoughts as fast as my hands could write.  When faced with a crisis you have thoughts and your mind takes you places that may not be the place you want to go or even your true feelings and that's natural.  I was trying to process it all and was scared.  Every daughter no matter her age  would be worried about how things will change when being faced with her mother's death.  No daughter wants to imagine her mother as anything less that the beautiful woman that raised her.  This is natural not something to be ashamed of.  It doesn't mean that I wasn't thinking of my mother and what she is going through. It was pure fear talking in these moments. 

This is also where I started formalizing my plan for how I was going to deal with this.  I kept us organized during the day, and I'm sure my uncle just loved that.  I had a plan for taking care of my brother and sister and all the help I would need from my friends. I had a plan for Andy to help me and I would try to not impose on him too much.   I had a plan and that was making me feel just a little bit better.  I was playing all the scenarios through my head : coming home without my parents, not coming home, every scenario except the one that played out.
Posted by at

No comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)