Tuesday early morning -- journal entry to Andy
Something horrible has happened. Last night around 4 AM my mom started snoring really loud and really weirdly. We couldn't get her to wake up though, but she quieted down. Then she started moving her one arm and leg up and down. Then she stopped that and I tried to go back to sleep. Then mom said "Help me!" We all just thought she was dreaming. At 6 AM she started screaming and we couldn't get her to wake up.
Normally, Mom wakes up when you say her name. She wouldn't wake up. I had been thinking about Rachel Alonzo's Mom who had died of a stroke. Just when I thought that Dad said she might have had a stroke. The took her to the hospital by ambulance. Her heart rate was fine, her pupils were fine, and her breathing was too. They said she had probably had a stroke.
Andy, I tried to be strong, but I couldn't. Nathan slept through most of it and when he woke up we took him to Beth's room before he could tell what was going on. I need you’re here to help me. I was going to call you, I will probably call your Mom when we find out what's wrong. I may not call at all, I want you to have a good time in Colorado. I don't want you to worry. Mom wanted to come on this trip so bad. I can't imagine how we would live without her. I keep praying asking God to let her be fine. There is no way she is fine. Something had definitely happened to her.
I'm going to try to be strong. I know I have to be for Nathan. He doesn't really know what is going on. I really wish you were here, but I know you can't be. I wish I knew if I should call you or not. I know hearing your voice would make me feel so much better. You could help lessen the pain I'm feeling. Yet, what would you say? I would have no idea what to say to you. I want you to have a wonderful Spring Break like mine was going to be. I may call your Mom and see what she thinks.I'm so scared. I don't know what to do. My mom is so important to me.
This is the only way I know how to deal with my problems is to write. Write and cry is the only way I have ever gotten through anything. Talking sometimes helps but who am I going to talk to?
Dad was crying as he left. His dad just had a stroke. My mom reminded me of my Aunt Pam when she was sick.
The dinner show last night was really cool. We went shopping and I got your sister some stickers, not much but I think she will like them. I can't find anything for you. Everything here has a Mickey on it and you wouldn't like that.
I'm holding my cow (stuff animal) and it makes me feel like a part of you is here. My mom's pretty strong I bet she'll be fine.
I feel 100 times better after writing you. You don't have to be here as long as you are in my heart and in my mind I can pretend you have heard everything that I have said. I'm much calmer now. The hospital is supposed to call in 30 mins. I hope that time goes by quickly. The first 90 minutes did. Dad was really upset, but he told me to be strong. Rachel's mom's face keeps running through my mind. Rachel is really strong to be able to handle what she did. I'm going to go now, as soon as I find out something I'll write you I'm sure.
I know this entry was a lot of rambling, but that's what I remember. Thousands of fleeting thoughts and feelings racing through my mind: guilt, despair, hope, sadness, fear, love. I felt guilt because I had been mad that she had woken me up with her "dream" at 4 AM. I figured she was just dreaming about the roller coaster. I felt guilt because we had all just gone back to sleep when she had needed our help. I felt guilt because I had not been very excited about this trip and she was so excited for it and now it was turning into a nightmare. I was so scared and had no idea what I was supposed to do. My dad and aunt had gone to the hospital, so I was very thankful to have my uncle and cousins still at Disney with us.
I was a girl always with a plan, and I didn't know what to plan for next and that turned my world upside down. All I could cling to was a stuffed cow Andy had given me for Christmas and hope and pray for the best. I was a girl that applied logic to everything and I could find no logic in what was happening. Notice I started to rationalize that calling Andy would just ruin his vacation and he wouldn't know what to say anyway. I was also putting his feelings and trip first. This was my reaction within the first two hours and it would continue for the next two years. I don't want to bother anyone and I want to help everyone else first.
On a side note, the doctors assured my Dad that the result would not have been any different had we taken Mom to the hospital at 4 AM when she first showed signs of something wrong and we just didn't realize. So my guilt on this topic did ease after learning this.
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