About the Blog

Many may wonder why after 20 years, I have chosen to share something so personal and that happened so long ago. I am sharing this because at the time I felt very alone and if these words would help someone else not feel so alone then that's worth my opening up about this time of my life. I also want to document these events and thoughts for my own two sons so that they have an account of why their Mom was so adamant that they always know how much I loved them. I also share this as a therapeutic release for myself on this twentieth anniversary.

This blog will not likely be an ongoing dialogue, but it may take me a year to share all that I experienced and how I processed the impact of this event for years to come. It still affects how I live my life today and will always shape the way I see the world.

I don't share these stories to ask for sympathy or for anyone to feel sorry for me. Sometimes life sucks and is hard and everyone experiences that in life. I don't feel my life has been any worse or any different that anyone else's. I do ask for prayers, not for myself specifically, but for all those dealing with the loss of loved ones. Pray that they may find the courage and strength to allow themselves to grieve for their loss and continue to live a life full of love and happiness as time passes by.

I was not a perfect daughter, sister, friend, or girlfriend at any point in my life much less during one of the most difficult times. I do not believe the way I grieved and reacted to these events is the right way. I do not believe there is a right or wrong way to grieve. This is the path I took and everyone must find their own path. I did what I thought at the time was best for me and it wasn't always what was best for those around me. That's what my siblings did too and eventually we all came out on the other side of the grief to live full and successful lives.

Monday, March 23, 2015

Monday of Spring Break 95

Monday -- journal entry to Andy
Today we went to Magic Kingdom.  It was pretty neat.  The girls (my cousins) really enjoyed it.  I'm so tired.  I don't event get up this early when I go to school.  Tonight we're supposed to go to a dinner show.  I personally would rather stay here and sleep.  I was supposed to get a chance to layout today but No, Dad wouldn't leave Magic Kingdom.  I got a little sun but not a lot.

A girl in front of me in one of the lines today ask me where I was from.  I told her Indiana and she said O.K. what school, then she answered for me.  She is a cheerleader from Memorial and she knew I was on the North Posey dance team.  She remembered me and said I was always smiling.  I guess my dancing does make an impression on some people.  Last night we went for a walk and it is so pretty and romantic here at night.  Every time I saw a couple walk by holding hands it makes me miss you more.  I really, really miss you! 

Well, after one day at Magic Kingdom, all I could tell Andy about was my tan or lack there of and a girl in line.  I think I was missing the point of this vacation.  However, looking back I have some treasured memories from this day.  This was the last day I ever spent with my Mom and because of that some simple moments are etched in my memory forever.  It's strange how what made an impression on me from that day changed so much just a few hours later.

I had gone to some other theme parks with friends  over the years and loved riding roller coasters.  So I convinced my entire family that we had to ride Big Thunder Mountain.  My mom had never been on a roller coaster and I think she was a little scared but she was all about having fun and making memories on this trip.  Since there were five of us, and I felt I was the most experienced roller coaster rider, I sat in front of everyone by myself.  My mom and sister Dena were behind me and my Dad and brother Nathan were behind them.  At one point in the ride I looked back and my Mom had the biggest smile on her face.  She was holding her glasses in her hand and white knuckling the bar in front of her, but she was having fun!  I thank God that I turned around at that moment.  That's the last memory I have of her and it's a great one!  That's the reason my boys refer to Big Thunder Mountain as Grandma Patty's first and favorite roller coaster.  That one split second that I will never forget!  I made sure it was both of my boys' first roller coaster rides as well and one day when they fully understand the impact of what that means I hope they will cherish that fact even more.

I do have some memories of the dinner show and the fact that we all enjoyed it a lot.  I remember riding the bus home late and Mom complaining of a headache, but she got headaches frequently so I didn't think much of it.
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