Late night Tuesday -- Journal entry to Andy
They just called and said that they can't stop the bleeding. Honey, that's not good. They even said that it is not good! What's going to happen to her? It's been a really long time, she can't bleed that long. Dad and Beth decided that she was so bad they were not going to come back. They were earlier though, so she must have gotten worse. I'm so scared. I wish I could really talk to you, but I know it's better if I don't.
My Grandpa just died last year and that still bothers me. I can't lose my mom. I can't take this anymore . If you really do read this,it probably won't make a whole lot of sense. I'm just writing so fast because I have so many feelings and emotions. I can't sort through them all. I guess God has a lot of faith in me, because he thinks that I am really strong. He has to when you think of the things that he has put me through. I really believe in the power of prayer and I know that Mom did too. I think if you could put together everyone's prayers that God will give her enough strength to survive. God is the only person that can help her. I know that Grandma Carolyn and Grandpa are in heaven praying for her, too. My Grandma was taken away from me and I don't want my kids to go through that too.
Everyone is asleep and I'm sitting here crying and trying to write. I have to believe that she will make it. My mom has so much to live for. I know she is excited about that banquet. She wants to get me moved and see me go to prom and graduate and get married and have kids. I have to think positively. I think maybe the best thing for me is sleep. If you can sense that something is wrong, I hope you are praying that everything turns out for the best. I love you so much. Dream about me! I would say that I'd dream about you, but I'm scared all I'm going to dream about is Mom!
I think that the reality of the situation is starting to sink in at this point. My Grandmother (my Mom's mom) died at the age of 40 of colon cancer. It was one year before I was born. I so resented the fact that I never got to meet her. I have heard such wonderful things about her and felt so cheated not to have her in my life for even a small amount of time. My mom was 40 at this time and the irony was unreal. My Grandpa (Mom's dad) had just died a year ago and I felt a lot of guilt about the fact that I had hung up on him the last time I spoke with him a few days before his death. I had locked my keys in my car and had called his house looking for my Mom and when he said she wasn't there and was at my aunt's, I hung up immediately to catch her there before she left. I never thought that would be my last interaction with him. My aunt Pam had been hospitalized for various issues and had been in a coma for several months prior to this and I was just overwhelmed with all of these thing occurring in that year. Now my mom was fighting for her life, when we were supposed to having a magical family vacation. I clung to my faith and the hoped for miracle.
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