It's been 20 years since the vacation that changed my life forever. I feel like it's time to share my memories, thoughts, and feelings from the time of my Mom's death. I used to re-play every detail each Spring Break for several years following Mom's death, then I stopped, but this year on the 20th anniversary I feel it's time to revisit that week and the months following.
I found my journal from our vacation and I will be using some excerpts from that to share my story along with my memories. Now, my memories are 20 years old and from a time that was a real blur, so they may or may not be 100% accurate, but they are my memories so to me that's all that matters. My journal ironically enough was written as a letter to Andy, my boyfriend at the time and now my husband.
Twenty years ago I was a typical 17 year old girl, an overachieving, type A, junior in high school. I was dancing in the school musical, choreographing dance routines for a 6th grade play, playing softball, tutoring a freshman in Math and working toward graduating the following year as Salutatorian. I was goal oriented and very driven. I also had a large group of close friends and loved being involved in all my activities. I was dating a great guy named Andy, who I loved hanging out with. I loved his family and little sister and spent as much time with him as I could.
I performed in our musical, "The Boyfriend" a couple of weeks prior to Spring Break. I was a lead dancer and had no speaking parts, which was fine by me, because I loved to dance. I remember being able to see my Mom and her sister, Beth, in the audience during one of my numbers and they both looked liked they were enjoying the show. That was one of the only times I had ever been able to see my Mom while I was performing due to lighting and the fact that she was normally backstage watching me. The memory of seeing her face watching me has stayed with me all these years, because it was the last time she would see me dance.
I was relieved the musical was over because I had been splitting my time between dance practices and softball practices and it was wearing me out. However I wasn't looking forward to Spring Break as much as I should have. My family didn't do vacations. We had gone on one when I was 7 years old. We had driven to Florida and spent a few days in Walt Disney World and a few days on the beach. I remember my grandparents going with us, but have no real memories of this trip. My sister would have been 5 and my brother was 2. So they have no memories of it either. The 5 of us had not traveled anywhere together since. I don't know if this was due to a lack of interest in going on vacation or more likely a lack of funds to go on vacation, but I never gave it much thought. I didn't mind that we didn't do vacations.
Well this year, 1995, my Mom had planned a big family vacation. She had gotten a little inheritance when her father passed away the prior year, and she wanted us to go on a vacation before I went off for college. She wanted to go all out, so she planned a partial Walt Disney World, partial beach vacation for the 5 of us (Mom, Dad, me, Dena - 14 years old, and Nathan - 11 years old) along with my aunt Beth, her husband and two daughters. We were staying in a WDW resort and we doing character meals and dinner shows. The whole Disney experience! I was not thrilled. My boyfriend was going to Colorado to go skiing, so I was not going to be with him. We were going to Disney and I wasn't sure what to expect out of that, and I was tired and just didn't have a good feeling about this trip. I knew it was important to my Mom so I was going to keep my dread to myself and see how it all played out. I was excited my 5 year old and 3 year old cousins would be coming with us.
A historical record of my memories, thoughts, and feelings regarding my mother's sudden death in March 1995.
About the Blog
Many may wonder why after 20 years, I have chosen to share something so personal and that happened so long ago. I am sharing this because at the time I felt very alone and if these words would help someone else not feel so alone then that's worth my opening up about this time of my life. I also want to document these events and thoughts for my own two sons so that they have an account of why their Mom was so adamant that they always know how much I loved them. I also share this as a therapeutic release for myself on this twentieth anniversary.
This blog will not likely be an ongoing dialogue, but it may take me a year to share all that I experienced and how I processed the impact of this event for years to come. It still affects how I live my life today and will always shape the way I see the world.
I don't share these stories to ask for sympathy or for anyone to feel sorry for me. Sometimes life sucks and is hard and everyone experiences that in life. I don't feel my life has been any worse or any different that anyone else's. I do ask for prayers, not for myself specifically, but for all those dealing with the loss of loved ones. Pray that they may find the courage and strength to allow themselves to grieve for their loss and continue to live a life full of love and happiness as time passes by.
I was not a perfect daughter, sister, friend, or girlfriend at any point in my life much less during one of the most difficult times. I do not believe the way I grieved and reacted to these events is the right way. I do not believe there is a right or wrong way to grieve. This is the path I took and everyone must find their own path. I did what I thought at the time was best for me and it wasn't always what was best for those around me. That's what my siblings did too and eventually we all came out on the other side of the grief to live full and successful lives.
No comments:
Post a Comment