Back to Normal

With the funeral over, we stayed home a couple of more days and returned to school.  Life was supposed to go back to normal.  We were back in the groove of practices, homework, and chores, but there was little in my life that felt normal.  Being in school did feel comforting and focusing on my school work was a good distraction from all that was going on in my head.

At the same time, it felt very far from normal.  I felt like everyone now looked at me as the girl whose Mom died.  I felt like they were all just looking for signs that I wasn't handling it well or waiting for me to have a break down.  I felt like people were tip toeing around me not knowing how to act or what to say.

I felt like everyone else's lives did go back to normal.  My friends had grieved with me and processed what had happened and were now moving forward.  Their lives were back to normal.  I thought most of our family probably did the same.  I say this not referring to my siblings or dad, but our extended family. (This seems absurd to me now to think that anyone in my family just went back to normal after her death, but it's what I assumed at the time.) All these years later, I now know this wasn't true at all.   In recent days since I have started this blog, I have had several family members reach out to me letting me know how much they were affected by my Mom's passing and how it took them years to come to terms with it.  Amazing as it sounds, 20 years later and I'm just realizing I'm not the only one that took years to process this. Even today, I find great comfort in this.

I have a relatively big extended family and I would consider us close, especially 20 years ago.  I saw my grandparents and a lots of my aunts, uncles, and cousins weekly growing up and we lived nearby each other.  We have regularly shared stories about my Mom, talked about how much we miss her, but never did we talk about how her death made us feel, how we handled the days, weeks, months following her death, or how it stills affects us today.  I will be honest I never discussed these things with my siblings or father either.  Mom was spoken of often, our feelings however were not.

I never brought it up to anyone because I never wanted to make anyone sad.  I never wanted to bring someone down if they were doing well with it.  I never wanted to let anyone know how sad I was.  Now that I have more insight into how much it affected my entire family, I wish I had brought it up.  I wish we could have been shoulders for each other to cry on and helped each other through it instead of me feeling so alone.  I have no doubt that any and all of my family members would have totally been there for me. As nice as it sounds to have been able to lean on each other. I also know that I just didn't have the courage to face the emotions that I was trying so hard to keep bottled up inside at that time.  And years later when I was ready, I erroneously assumed they had all moved on.

Ironically, my mom had never discussed with me how her mother's death affected her or how she had handled it.  I knew about my grandma and how she died, but have no recollection of Mom ever talking about her feelings related to her mom.  Now was that because this conversation topic just never came up in my 17 years of life or was it something she didn't want to discuss?  I will never know.  I wish I had known how she felt.  I think it may have helped me at the time.  This is yet another reason why I'm writing this blog, so that if my two boys ever face this same or a similar struggle they might not feel so alone.  They will not feel like everyone else's lives have just gone back to normal.

The Funeral

The days of the showing and funeral are a blur to me.  I remember being very overwhelmed by the number of people who attended.  I remember standing up near the front of the room with my Dad and aunt and uncles.  I remember greeting people as they proceeded through the line at the funeral home.  I remember many people coming up to me and saying, "You must be Patty's daughter, because you look just like her."  I had never been more proud to have someone tell me how much I looked like my Mom.  

I remember looking at my Mom in the casket we picked out and her hair was perfect, but her face sagged drastically on the left side.  She looked like she had been through something much more traumatic that I had imagined.  Her body had been through hell during those days she was in the hospital and the reality of that sunk in as I stared at her lying there. 

I remember lots of hugs, but I don't remember lots of tears.  I think I was so numb and just empty so there were no more tears to shed.  I think I focused on the details of the services instead of what they meant in order to distant myself emotional from what was happening.  I don't remember crying at the funeral, I may have, but it definitely wasn't a lot.  I think I also focused on making my friends who were not catholic comfortable with the services and mass.  For the funeral at St. Francis Church in Poseyville, my dad, sister, brother and I sat in the front row.  Andy and our close friend Sean sat on either side of me.  I remember holding both of their hands during the service.  Sean did not attend church often and had never attended a mass before.  He was nervous about the mass and he was being a pall bearer for the first time.  So I led him through when to sit, stand, and kneel.  It was something for me to focus on other than the fact that my mother was being buried today.   

There were a few hours of showing at the church before the funeral mass and when they were ready to close the casket they let the immediate family step outside of the church.  It was a sunny day and the warm sun felt good as it was cool inside the church.  My brother started crying outside as the reality of what was happening hit him.  I watched Andy and Sean both fight back tears and I remember comforting them.  They did not need my comforting nor did they ask for it, but this is what I did instead of letting myself get emotional. 

I was told while we were outside and that my cousin Lindsey, who was about 5 years old at the time, sobbed loudly when the casket was closed.  My mom was her godmother and watched her regularly.  This little girl loved my mom and my mom adored her and her sister.  This little 5 year old was so wise beyond her years and she experienced this loss all too early in her life.  She did a better job of grieving in those moments and letting herself feel what she felt and expressed it.    As a mother know I have experienced all that you can learn from a child and there was a lot I could have learned from Lindsey in those moments.   

I remember being proud of the words that Sister Leta read on behalf of my sister, brother and I in the eulogy.  I was very touched when I turned around to look at those gathered in the church that day and the pews were packed, the choir loft was packed all with familiar faces.  Our family, our friends, all those that loved my mom. 

After the funeral and burial service my close friends came to the funeral dinner at church and then came back to my house after instead of going back to school for a few hours.  We talked, laughed, and  I continued to let me be distracted from thinking what was truly happening.  I did find comfort in how much my friends were present to support me in those days following my Mom's death.  It was amazing and humbling the love and support I felt from them.   

A Full House and Lots of Plans

We got home on Thursday or Friday I'm not sure which and I believe the showing/funeral was on Monday/Tuesday.  In the days leading up to that our house was filled with people and it was a great distraction.  My friends came over just to hang out.  We didn't necessarily talk much about what had happened.  I'll be honest I don't remember what we talked about, but I remember them being there.  My sister had her friends there as well.  My brother being in 6th grade didn't have anyone at the house with him, so I remember talking to my Dad and he and I figured out who might be comfortable coming over to play and made some phone calls. We got a few of Nathan's friends there as well.   Our house was never the place to hang out.  We each had friends over around our birthday growing up and Nathan had friends over more frequently but never would a group gather at our house.  It wasn't normal, but during this time it was perfect.  I think our friends didn't know how to help but being with us just playing and hanging out was helping a lot.  Our house at this time was not filled with tears and sadness, but with laughter and the sharing of memories.  It was just what we needed. 

I remember Mrs. Palmer, our band director, and some other band boosters coming over and bringing bags of chips and food to help feed everyone now gathering at our house.  I remember someone anonymously had 10 pizzas delivered to house one evening for supper.  I knew we were a family with many wonderful friends and family, but I remember being amazed at the love and support we were being shown.   

Andy got home a day later than we did and he came over straight from the airport.  His Dad and a friend Dub were with him.  I remember it being dark and I met Andy on the patio outside.  We just hugged and cried and I don't remember what if anything that was said.  It was late and he didn't stay but he came over even if just for a few minutes.  I was touched that his dad and friend and driven out of the way to bring him over and I was glad Andy was home.   

My dad was great about allowing the three of us to help plan Mom's funeral as much as we could.  I remember we picked out a casket that was teal and had gold sea shell like decorations on it where it connected to the handles.  It reminded me of the beach and ocean and since she had died in Florida it seemed very fitting.  Sister Leta came over to help us plan the mass.  My dad was not Catholic so he didn't have any real strong feelings for this part except he wanted the priest that had married them to be present if possible.  Sister Leta made it happen.  Dena and I chose our friends Holly and Jamie to do the readings.  We also picked the songs, I remember that Gentle Woman was one of the songs sung and I still get emotional every time I hear this song at church.  The pall bearers were a combination of friends and family.  My friend Sean was able to do it, my cousin Justin, our family friend Frank, as well as some of Mom's cousins and Dad's friends.  It felt very right have those so close to us involved in Mom's funeral, it was very comforting. 

We also had to get Mom ready.   I remember talking with my aunt Beth about what Mom would want to wear and she helped us pick out the right outfit and jewelry.  We picked her fanciest dress that she had worn to her brother's wedding.  Mom had part of her head shaved and my Dad wanted to make sure the wig and everything was styled just like mom would have had it.  So he asked my aunt Nancy, who was a hairdresser to help with this part.   

I wrote a eulogy which was sort of like a letter from myself, Dena, and Nathan to our mother.  I remember sitting on my bed with my friend Jenni and she helped me pick just the right words. I have searched and searched for this eulogy over the last few weeks and have not been able to find it.  I would love to read it and remember what we said as our final goodbye.   

From my perspective now, I just notice how much we were asking of all of these people.  We were asking teenagers to perform roles in funerals when some of them may have never even been to a funeral.  I was asking my friends to help me write one of the most personal things I would ever write.  We had asked my aunt to help with my mom's hair.  How far outside of the comfort zone were we asking these people to go!  At the time I looked at it as our way of showing these people how much they meant to us and how much we trusted them.  At the time I think we were so far out of our comfort zone that we didn't even think about what we were asking.  I will say that although these individuals might have been pretty nervous and very uncomfortable with what was being asked of them, they each rose to the occasion and were able to provide just what we needed.  A funeral is never something anyone wants to plan or attend, but I saw this as one of my last ways to make sure that my mom's final farewell was a reflection of the classy, graceful, beautiful, generous, compassionate woman that we all saw and loved.  Our friends and family were there for us in every way we needed and it meant more than any of them could realize.

You want me to do laundry how?

This is where my journal entries to Andy stop, because I was home now.  Before I had left for our trip Andy had given me a couple of roses with a card that said "Have a great trip!".  My aunt had gone in to our house to make sure it was ready for us to return and had watered my roses and they were still looking perfect.  I remember that meaning the world to me at the time. I found the card from these flowers last week, in a box of keepsakes, it brought tears to my eyes 20 years later.  

My Dad's side of the family was there to meet us when we got home and my aunt Gayle started teaching my sister and I how to do laundry right away.  My mom had taught me many things, but she also had taken care of lots of things for me.  I didn't have assigned chores growing up and I was always told that as long as I stayed busy with activities I didn't have to get a job.  My mom had always said, I had my whole life to work so I should just wait to start until I had too.  I had babysitting jobs growing up but nothing regular.  I assume looking back that my mom had many chores growing up on her family dairy farm and maybe she felt those chores kept her from doing things she had wanted.  I have no idea if this is true or not, but it's possible.  I always assumed that's why she took care of so much of these things for us instead of spreading out the work. 

I had no idea how to do laundry, and unbeknownst to me, my Mom did the laundry the hard way.  She listened and knew when in the cycle to go in and add the liquid softener and she dried everything on the clothes line and ironed it all.  My mom was a stay at home mom who sold Mary Kay, cleaned our dance studio, cleaned for her father once a week, and babysat my cousins a few days a week. So she was a busy woman and I will tell you that I frequently remember our clean clothes piled in baskets in the dining room.   I would yell down from upstairs each morning what I wanted to wear and she would iron it in time for me to go to school.  My mom didn't keep a perfect house.  Dishes were frequently sitting on the counter.  We didn't live in filth mind you, everything was clean just not always put away.  But I also never remember my Mom not being available to talk, help me with something, or even just to sit and watch TV with me.  She didn't let her chores/duties keep her from spending time with us.  I loved that about her.   

I had been home maybe a few hours and now the fact that the housekeeping duties were now going to fall to my Dad and the three of us was becoming very real.  My aunt explained that I needed to start using a Downey ball for the softener and I needed to dry the clothes in the dryer so they wouldn't need to be ironed.  Well, I felt bad about doing it differently.  I felt like I was saying to my Mom that her way was not right. I was not comfortable with that, but I also understood that the four of us were all going to be at work and school and we were going to have to find a faster way, so this was going to be it.  It didn't remove the guilt I felt though for changing it up.  Looking back it seems silly that I would feel guilt regarding how I did the laundry, but at the time I just felt everything so much deeper than I ever had before and in the weeks and months to come I just craved normalcy, even in the most simple things.  I wanted my jeans to be stiff and smell of outside just so that they felt "normal".  

On a side note, my boys are 6 and 7 years old and they have laundry duties many weekends.  They have been taught how to sort it, load it into the washer, move it to the dryer, add a dryer sheet, and start the dryer.  They aren't allowed to add detergent and they don't fold or put it away yet, but they will get there. I do this because one day they may be faced with this responsibility and I feel like doing it now will make it not seem so different for them.  I also believe it will make them better husbands, because I love it when Andy helps with the laundry.   I realize this seems silly and if my guys are ever faced to live without me knowing how to do laundry won't really make things seem normal, but it makes me feel like I'm doing all I can do to prepare them in even the smallest of ways.  

Thursday of Spring Break 95

Thursday -- Journal entry to Andy

We are on our way home. I'm worried about you.  I want you to know that my mom thought of you like a son and she loved you very much.  I hadn't thought about it before but this is a loss for you too.  I think you considered Mom kinda like your 2nd Mom. She is in a much better place now.
Frank called us.  He has check on the house and wanted to know what he could do.  Your Mom is great! I can't believe all my friends were at your house.  It helped me so much to talk to Sean,
Carolyn, Sarah, Chris, and Jamie. Sean promised to help with Nathan, Jamie was going to call some of Dena's friends, Sarah promised to pray for me, Carolyn was going to talk to Coach Bland for me, Chris promised to help, too.  I have the best friends in the world. I couldn't ask for more.  I was afraid they would feel too awkward to talk to me about it. They were all very brave. Their support will help us so much.
I think everyone has been notified. All my friends will find out.  The only one's I'm not sure about are Chris McNeely and Greg Brown.  I sent both of them postcards at the beginning of my trip. 

I just need you to be here for me to talk to.  I need you to listen to me talk about Mom and the problems that are going to arise.  I'm here to listen to you, too.  I know this will be hard for you too. Together we can make it through anything. I know you don’t know what to say and I don't know what you could say to make me feel better. The only thing you can say that will me is, I love you! That's what I need to hear.  I'm going to try to sleep!

I clearly when into oldest child mode and started taking care of everyone else.  I was worried about Andy and my siblings and my Dad.  I was worried about  my friends and how awkward this would be for them.  I'm also a person who is great at delegating, as you can see I gave each one of my friends a job and way to feel helpful.    I was overwhelmed by the kindness and support of not only my close group of friends but also all my friends.  They were all together when I called.  They all already knew and were trying to figure out how to help.  Frank is a local police officer whom I considered a second father.  He was there to support me and help me when I needed it. He believed in me and was a big cheerleader of mine.  The fact that he would check on our house and call to check on us was incredibly thoughtful. In the chaos of all my crazy thoughts of the past days, I had never imagined the outpouring of love and support that we would receive. 

I also remember that I had called Andy the previous evening.  He was going to fly home early to be with me.  Andy's dad had broken the news to him, but when his dad said, Carrie's mom has died.  He misunderstood and thought that his Dad was  referring to his sister, Carrie and in some backward way telling him his own mother had died.  Once they got it all straightened out, Andy realized what was going on.  They told the airline that Andy's mother-in-law had died in order to get priority on switching flights.  I was touched that he would cut his vacation short to be with me, but I really wanted him with me.  

Wednesday Evening of Spring Break 95

Later on Wednesday -- Journal entry to Andy

Dad's back.  Everything is done. She's gone.  The people here are helping immensely.  They are going to pay for our supper and have it delivered.  I've called your house 10 times. I'm going to need you a lot here for a while.  I'm going to call you mom some more until I can get a hold of her.  I love you!

I remember that my Mom's brother (Scott) and his family were vacationing in Daytona for Spring Break so they came to the resort to see us.  I remember Nathan crying and my cousin Zach who must have been all of 13 or 14 years old at the time hugging and consoling Nathan.  It was so touching to me to see such young boys dealing with something so hard in such a mature and loving way.  

I remember that Disney paid our long distance phone bill so I didn't have to limit my time on the phone to everyone back home.  They got us pizza for dinner and we had a picnic on the floor of our room.  It was such a blur and so long ago, but yet I remember so many details like it was yesterday.  
I think now that my Dad and Aunt were back with us and my family was there we distracted ourselves from the incredible tragedy that had just occurred.  We now had to focus on getting home and logistics of getting Mom home.  We were just numb from the last 48 hours and were going on adrenaline to deal with the arrangements and to dos that were ahead.  We didn't give much thought to the fact that she was gone and what life would be like from this point forward.

It was so hard to fathom that this vacation that my Mom had worked so hard to plan had taken such a tragic turn.  Walt Disney World, the happiest place on earth, was anything but.  I couldn't imagine ever returning to this place that would hold such horrible memories for me.

Wednesday Morning of Spring Break 95

Wednesday -- Journal entry to Andy

Good Morning!  I told Nathan and he took it better than I thought.  His first comment after he calmed down was she's not going to see my play.  I told him that both of us would be there and Mom would see it just not from the audience.  I told him Mom would see everything we do from heaven.  I know she will be in a better place and I have to keep reminding myself of that.

Right now, I don't know if she is alive or not.  It's about 8 o'clock in the morning and I don't know if she made it through the night or if she died already and I don't know when they will unplug her.
Nathan did want to see her. I just don't think that would have been a good idea. Dad wouldn't have wanted to watch him see her.  We all feel that Dad made a brave decision. It wouldn't have been fair to Mom or us to let her live off of machines.  He made the right decision. I thought a lot last night and I am feeling much better. The funeral will be really hard, but I think we'll be alright after a while. 
I have written so much that I really don't have anything else to write.  So I'll go if I find out anything I'll let you know.  I Love You!!

This conversation with Nathan was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life still to this day.  Nathan had been preparing for his school play, which was a rite of passage for 6th graders in our school.  He had such an honest reaction. He wanted her here to see him in that play, to see him grow up, and to be with him as he lived his life. That's what we all wanted.  

I think he wanted to see her in the hospital partially because he had not seen her the morning she was taken to the hospital.  He hadn't see her acting like she was trapped her body with no control of her movements, thoughts, and sounds.  I just hoped that one day he would understand why I had made the decision that I did.

 We never once questioned our Dad's decision to remove her from life support.  We discussed it together the three of us before Dad returned and we all felt this was the right decision.  
I think the reason I felt better was because there wasn't as much unknown. I knew she was going to die so now I could start to plan, like I still do when faced with adversity.  I didn't really feel better and I had no idea what pain would lie ahead, but at least I knew what was going to happen next. I also remember thinking that my Mom had lost her mother and she hadn't sat around feeling sorry for herself, she picked up and moved on, so that must be what we were supposed to do too.  I clearly at the time  had no idea how my Mom had coped with the death of her mother, but this was my rationale.  

Middle of the Night Tuesday of Spring Break 95

Middle of the night Tuesday -- Journal entry to Andy

I have horrible news. It's about 1:15 AM.  Pat just called.  He wanted to know if we wanted to see Mom.  He had spoke to Dad and Scott & Tammy (my other aunt and uncle) are in Daytona they are coming over.  Andy, my mom is brain dead and being kept alive by machines.  Her aneurysm is so deep in her brain they can't operate on it.  Dad told them not to revive her and in the morning they will pull the plug.  My mom is not going to make it. 

I told Dena and she seems fine.  How am I supposed to tell my 11 year old brother that his Mom who was fine yesterday is going to die tomorrow? In the morning, after I find out. I'm going to call you, I can't do this by myself. I need you to help me. I'm sorry, I tried to do this without you and I can't.  I'm so scared. I don't know what to do!  I'm 17 and I still need a Mom and so does Dena and Nathan. We all need her. How are we supposed to live without her?

Writing is making me think and that's making me more upset.  I have to go.  Love you! You can't forget that!

I remember this as Pat coming to get me and my Dad calling me in Pat's room to talk to me.  I think Pat prepped me with what was going on and then I talked to my Dad.  My Dad explained that my mom had her head shaved and was hooked up to many machines.  He explained she had tubes coming out of her head and she did not look like herself. I'm not sure if he was just trying to prepare me or talk me out of wanting to see her.  It didn't matter.  I felt like I had the memory of her I wanted and seeing her like that would just haunt us for a long time.  If she was brain dead then she wouldn't know we were there and we could say our goodbyes through prayer.  This would also be easier on my Dad too, he would not have to look into the faces of his children and watch them say goodbye to their mother.   I remember hanging up the phone after talking to Dad and bursting into tears.  I remember my uncle holding me in his arms and not saying a word.  I didn't need him to say anything I just needed to know that I wasn't alone.  I was so thankful for that hug and that moment when I finally let myself show someone how much I was hurting.  

I know I said in my journal that my sister seemed fine.  I'm sure she wasn't fine and my definition of fine was a little skewed at this point because clearly none of us were going to be fine.  She just needed to process her feelings her way just as I did mine.  I made the decision for all three of us and it's something that I would weigh heavily on me for a really long time.  I don't regret not going and I know that others may have made a different decision, but for me at that moment this was the right decision and I just had to hope my siblings would feel the same.  

Late Tuesday of Spring Break 95

Late night Tuesday -- Journal entry to Andy

They just called and said that they can't stop the bleeding.  Honey, that's not good.  They even said that it is not good!  What's going to happen to her?  It's been a really long time, she can't bleed that long.  Dad and Beth decided that she was so bad they were not going to come back.  They were earlier though, so she must have gotten worse.  I'm so scared.  I wish I could really talk to you, but I know it's better if I don't.

My Grandpa just died last year and that still bothers me.  I can't lose my mom.  I can't take this anymore .  If you really do read this,it probably won't make a whole lot of sense.  I'm just writing so fast because I have so many feelings and emotions.  I can't sort through them all.  I guess God has a lot of faith in me, because he thinks that I am really strong.  He has to when you think of the things that he has put me through.  I really believe in the power of prayer and I know that Mom did too.  I think if you could put together everyone's prayers that God will give her enough strength to survive.  God is the only person that can help her.  I know that Grandma Carolyn and Grandpa are in heaven praying for her, too.  My Grandma was taken away from me and I don't want my kids to go through that too.

Everyone is asleep and I'm sitting here crying and trying to write.  I have to believe that she will make it.  My mom has so much to live for.  I know she is excited about that banquet.  She wants to get me moved and see me go to prom and graduate and get married and have kids.  I have to think positively. I think maybe the best thing for me is sleep.  If you can sense that something is wrong, I hope you are praying that everything turns out for the best.  I love you so much. Dream about me!  I would say that I'd dream about you, but I'm scared all I'm going to dream about is Mom!  

I think that the reality of the situation is starting to sink in at this point.  My Grandmother (my Mom's mom) died at the age of 40 of colon cancer.  It was one year before I was born.  I so resented the fact that I never got to meet her.  I have heard such wonderful things about her and felt so cheated not to have her in my life for even a small amount of time.  My mom was 40 at this time and the irony was unreal.  My Grandpa (Mom's dad) had just died a year ago and I felt a lot of guilt about the fact that I had hung up on him the last time I spoke with him a few days before his death.  I had locked my keys in my car and had called his house looking for my Mom and when he said she wasn't there and was at my aunt's, I hung up immediately to catch her there before she left.  I never thought that would be my last interaction with him.  My aunt Pam had been hospitalized for various issues and had been in a coma for several months prior to this and I was just overwhelmed with all of these thing occurring in that year.  Now my mom was fighting for her life, when we were supposed to having a magical family vacation.  I clung to my faith and the hoped for miracle.

Tuesday Evening of Spring Break 95

Later on Tuesday -- Journal entry to Andy

Pat (my uncle) called Beth and they are waiting for another neurosurgeon to get there.  Dad and Beth are coming back tonight in about an hour.  I don’t think there has been any change in Mom's condition.  Cya.

I can't imagine how hard it was for my uncle to be in Disney with his daughters, nieces, and nephews through all of this.  He couldn't really take us to do stuff because we wanted to be near the phone (this was before cell phones) and we weren't really in the mood to have a magical time in Disney.  He had no one to talk to either so he must have felt quite helpless.  I do remember that some characters, Rafiki and the Beast, came by our rooms and my cousins were able to get their autograph. The girls were very smart and intuitive and I'm sure they knew something was happening but I don't know how much my uncle could even explain.  I was very thankful to have him there with us.

 Even later on Tuesday -- Journal entry to Andy

Nathan broke down tonight. He started crying and said he missed Mom.  I told him Mom would want him to have a good time.  He tries, but it's hard.  I'm trying to prepare him for the worst yet not scare him.  Do you know how hard it is?  I want him to think that there is a possibility that she might not make it.  So if she doesn't it will be easier for him.  But I don't want him to think that that's what is going to happen.  I don't know what to do.  

I remember this being the most heartbreaking part, being the communicator to my brother and sister.  My brother was 11, still in grade school and he was a mommy's boy.  They were very close and I knew it would break his heart to lose her.  My sister was 15 and more independent, but that didn't mean I didn't worry about her too.  I was the oldest so I felt a need to make this ok for them, but I had no idea how I was supposed to do that.